Code Blue

~ Chapter 47 ~

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Chapter 47
Tuesday November 7th
Harry's POV

"Daddy?" Stevie called for me.

"Yes?" I answered her.

The two of us were heading outside, our hands grasping to each other's. The hallways weren't that busy at the moment which was nice, the two of us enjoying a peaceful walk without people I don't care about trying to talk my ear off.

Stevie's next round of chemo starts in a few days again, so I've been trying to get her out of her hospital room a bit more before she was cooped up and feeling unwell. I always hated having to see her laying there in pain for days, bored and stuck to a hospital bed. I couldn't imagine the pain Stevie must be in, but I knew how it was affecting me. The fact that it had to be worse on her wasn't easy to cope with as a parent either.

If I feel this bad, then how does Stevie feel?

Not to mention, I am more nervous this time around. I always get anxious and shut down when it's nearing this time, knowing the impending doom that was about to be bestowed upon my daughter. Knowing that pain was just around the corner that I couldn't protect her from was terrifying as a parent.

There's also the fact that I'm a doctor, but I can't predict ever what is going to happen next.

But after she suffered a seizure last month, as a result of chemo side effects, I have been even more on edge about what's to happen this time. The scary thought was that if it happened once, it can happen again, and it was filling me with dread. It's been bad ever since it happened, but now that the drugs were going to be pumped into her body, I was growing more worried.

Leaving her room fills me with more anxiety than it ever did before. I used to worry about her constantly and I thought that it was as much as I possibly could, but I was wrong. Ever since she seized, I have only been filled with more panic each time that I shut her door. I didn't think it was possible, but I reached a new threshold on how much it terrifies me to leave her alone.

I've gone from checking over her numbers once, to doing it twice, just in case.

Going into surgery is even worse. As I'm standing there doing my scrubbing procedure, I ask myself a million questions on if she ate enough today?, is she resting enough?, what was her blood pressure before I left the room? My brain gets overconsumed with too many thoughts about my daughter's well being on a new level.

I have to mentally prepare myself more forcefully before I go into the OR now. I have to work ten times harder to focus myself before making that first cut. I used to be able to do it quite easily, but that's changed immensely. Walking into the OR now feels like I'm being cut off from the outside world, from my daughter, and it was a feeling I did not like.

Then, I stand in the center of the room and get the tool in my hand and I commit. I remind myself that this is what I'm amazing at, and that I'm the reason so many kids have gotten another chance. I make myself think of all the good that I have done, and how many people are relying on me in order to save their life. I know that I would want my daughter's doctor fully focused on her, and I give that same respect to my patients and their families. I get through the surgery without making mistakes.

But then when the lights go off and the OR is beginning to clear, the overwhelming rush of anxiety fills me again. I rip my gown and gloves off, and practically tear out of the operating room once it's clear to do so. I push myself through the crowded hallways as my feet rapidly hit the floor, trying to get back to Stevie as fast as possible.