Just Friends

Part 13: When no one is okay

Phil had been back home for two weeks. He treated me as though I had killed his grandma, not as though I had saved his life. Phil only ever left to go to see his therapist, even then I had to push him out the door. He completely isolated himself from everyone, but I was the one who felt it the most.

"Hey Phil I'm going to PJ's you wanna come?" I asked his door which was now always closed.

"Fuck off." Came a harsh voice.

I sighed. I turned away, tears filling my eyes. No matter how many cruel things he said to me, they always struck me like a bullet. I wanted to leave, but I didn't trust him on his own. As much as he hated me, he still needed me.

I grabbed my phone and walked out the door. The taxi ride to PJ's was quiet and gave me too much time to think. I already thought too much with a completely quiet flat every day. It was like Phil had succeeded in dying. Because the Phil that I had known was definitely not the one I shared a flat with.

I pressed the PJ's doorbell. "Oh hey Dan. Chris is already here. Where's Phil?"

My eyes watered without my permission. "Umm he didn't want to come." He looked confused. "It's a long story. Can I come inside before I start?"

PJ nodded and gestured inside. Chris was curled up in one of PJ's colorful chairs. "High School Musical or Tangled?"

I snorted. "High School Musical, obviously."

"Cool. Hey where's Phil?" Said Chris scanning the room.

I looked at the floor. "It's a long story..."

Chris took my hand and looked at me wide-eyed. "Did you guys break up?"

I slumped into a chair. "I think so."

PJ walked in the room. "Dan what happened?"

"Phil." I replied simply.

PJ sat down next to me. "Did he hurt you? I swear to God I will kill him if he hurt you."

I shook my head and burst into tears. "He's already dead."

Chris and PJ looked at each other in confusion. "What?"

I sobbed into the chair arm. "His dad died and he tried to kill himself. Now he's different. He says the worst things. He hates me. I miss Phil, but Phil is dead."

Chris held a hand up. "Hold on. That was a lot of information. Phil tried to kill himself? Phil's dad died? Phil hates you? God this doesn't even sound like Phil."

"I know." I sobbed. "I was so happy. I-I loved him. I still love him. I miss him so fucking much."

PJ rubbed my back. "Do you want to stay here Dan? Living with Phil is just making you miserable. I have an extra room."

I shook my head. "I can't leave him. He'll try to leave again if I'm not there. He might succeed this time, because I won't be there to call 999. I can't PJ."

PJ nodded. "Okay, but you're staying here tonight."

"Okay." I replied with a sniff.

Phil and Chris crushed me into a hug. "Hey Dan even if Phil's being an asshole we're still here. Don't forget about us. You can always crash here if you want. You're one of my best friends, I love you so much." PJ paused. "But like in a platonic way."

"No homo." I said with a smile.

We watched High School Musical and I laughed for the first time in weeks. I felt like I belonged again. I felt loved. We played Cards Against Humanity and I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard. For the first time in forever I wasn't worrying or thinking about Phil.

I woke up the next morning in a daze. We had all gotten pretty drunk. I yawned sleepily. Phil! I mentally slapped myself. I left Phil alone. Suicidal Phil. The Phil who hated himself and me. I got up quickly and checked my phone. One missed call from Louise. Nothing from Phil.

That could either mean one thing or the other.

I ran out of PJ's flat.