Just Friends

Part 27: When we try normal

It was almost Christmas and we were miserable. We barely talked. I hadn't left the flat in weeks. The death of our friends weighed upon both of our hearts like a ton of bricks. I had started cutting again. I couldn't get the pressure in my brain out any other way.

Phil was curled up in a ball at the end of the couch. Every once in a while he sniffed softly. I was on my Mac just mindlessly scrolling through tumblr. I looked over at Phil and all I felt was sadness. We had been broken so much.

Phil sniffed loudly. I slammed my laptop shut. "That's it. We need to get out of here."

He looked at me sadly. "What are you even talking about Dan?" He pulled the blanket up to his chin like a shield.

I pulled him off the couch. "We need to get out of this flat. We need to just go and act really stupid until we feel kind of better."

Phil gave me a forced smile. "Generally when you're upset you just have existential crises. What happened?"

I stared at the carpet and pulled up my sleeve. "They took too much out of me."

He stared the lines engraved in my flesh. "Me too." He said softly and pulled up the sleeve of his jumper. His arms were covered with angry red lines.

My eyes watered. Every cut on his arm was like the lash of a hand against my cheek. I looked him in the eyes. "What do you want to do? Tonight we're eighteen again. Anything you want to do." I winked at him. "Anything."

He giggled. "I have an idea."

He led me down the street of London. We went by Christmas trees hand in hand. Every window was decorated with tinsel and baubles. It was nice to have his hand in mine again. We almost felt like a normal couple again. He dragged me to the tube.

"Where are we going Phil?" I asked.

His lips brushed against mine. We were so close I could feel his breath on my face. "You will have to see." He replied sassily.

I laughed. It was probably the first time in months. It felt good. I liked being near him again. To feel his lips against mine and just to be real boyfriends again. I had missed him more than I could ever say.

I took his hand and kissed the back of it. Phil looked at me shyly. He leaned forward. "I love you." He whispered into my ear.

I smiled. A proper smile, the kind where your entire face looks joyful and your eyes crinkle. It had been too long. He was the most adorable human being ever. "I love you too dork." I replied instantly.

"I want to make up for all of the times when I wasn't there for you Dan." Phil looked at me seriously. "I want to kiss you a thousand times and hold your hand under a million sunsets. One thing I've learned from their deaths is that I need to live in the moment. I can't be depressed my whole life. I really needed to get out of the flat. Thanks."

"Thank you." I said earnestly. "For being one of the only reasons I'm not buried next to...." I still couldn't say their names. "You know."

He kissed my cheek. I felt my face grow warm. Phil glanced out the tube window. "This is our stop."

The doors slid open and we were greeted with the crisp chilly air of December. I looked around. I recognized where we were all to well.

I stopped in my tracks, "There is no fucking way."

Phil took my hand firmly. "We have to."

I sighed and followed him towards the graveyard.