Just Friends

Part 23: When it's not going to last

I laid face down on the carpet. My head ached. Everyone you know is going to die. You only have one life. How the fuck are you living that life? Pretty terribly you dumb college dropout faggot. Phil is going to die one day. I could die of a heart attack at any moment.

I heard a key turn in the lock. "Dan? Are you here?"

It wasn't worth getting up. I was just going to die one day. Why does it even matter if I get up. It doesn't. My brain was too consumed by my thoughts to make words.

"Dan?" He walked down the hallway towards our bedrooms. "Dan?" He opened the door to my room. "You okay Dan?" He knelt beside me. "Existential crisis?"

I smacked my head against the carpet to say yes. It hurt but I didn't care. Whatever. Pain was temporary, just like everything else.

"Can I help?" He asked quietly.

I shook my head no. I didn't want to be his problem. I was already enough of a problem without forcing myself on Phil. He probably already thought I was annoying. I wanted to die, but at the same time I was terrified of it.

I thought he was going to get up and go away, but he didn't. He leaned against the wall. "You said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat it you away. I'd rather be a cannibal, baby. Animals like me don't talk anyway. Feel like an ambulance, chase her away. Pray I could replace her, forget the way her tears taste. Oh the way her tears taste." Phil sang softly. It was an old Panic! At the Disco song. I knew it well and it comforted me somehow. I felt my breathing became more natural.

"Thank you." I mumbled into the carpet.

I swear I could feel him grin. "Does that help?"

"Yeah."

He started singing again. Phil had a nice voice, deeper than you'd think. "Put another 'x' on the calender. Summer's on its deathbed. There is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends and I meant everything I said that night. I will come back to life." He paused and sang thoughtfully. "But only for you."

I smiled. The carpet brushed against my grin. I spat out carpet fiber. "I love you." I whispered.

Phil played with my hair. "I love you too."

Phil and I just stayed like that for a few hours. We didn't move, we didn't talk, but we were just with each other. Had he fallen asleep? Phil stood up and I thought he was leaving. He came back after a moment and tucked a blanket around me.

"What time is it?" I asked finally.

"Almost two am." He replied wearily. "I thought you were already asleep."

I pushed myself up and looked at him. I know I looked terrible but I didn't care. He smiled at me sleeping. "You want to go to bed bear?" I loved that nickname.

I nodded and he helped me up. I fell against him and he kissed me quickly. He tasted nice, like something I can't describe. Maybe it was sleep or something.

I threw my shirt in the corner and slipped under the sheets. He joined me after putting on some cookie monster PJs.

He curled up to me and pressed a kiss into my hair. "Goodnight bear. I love you." He yawned loudly.

I smiled to myself. He was perfect. "I love you too."

I felt it at that moment. With his arms wrapped around me and the sense of absolute peace. With his face buried in my neck and his hand intertwined with mine I felt it. It was as if we were in a bubble that no one could get in. I felt perfectly at ease. I couldn't think of the perfect word to describe it. I know what it was.

Tranquility.

I knew myself too well to think this would last.