Just Friends

Part 18: When I have to decide

PJ wheeled me back into his flat. I hated not being allowed to use my legs.

"Ah shit." He said and picked me up gently.

Chris wandered in behind us. "You carryin Dan over the doorstep? Oh my God I ship it."

I looked at Chris. "Why are you always here? Every time I'm at PJ's you're here too."

He looked at PJ out of the corner of his eye. "Have you not told him?"

"I thought you told him!"

"If he hasn't figured out by now he's never going to."

PJ sat me down in my wheelchair. "So Dan...umm. Me and Chris are kind of dating. We have been for years."

"You're kinda blind, mate." Said Chris. "I mean it's totally obvious that we're fuckin..."

"Go home Chris." Said PJ with a laugh.

PJ made popcorn. "So are you and Phil nothing or are you guys still friends?"

I tossed a piece into my mouth. "We're like really awkward friends."

"Are you ever going to move back in?" Chris said with a mouth full of popcorn.

"I don't know. I guess it depends." I changed the subject. "You guys want to watch a movie?"

"HOW TO TRAIN YOUR FUCKING DRAGON." Screamed Chris.

PJ put the DVD and we just sat together at watched it. Chris added commentary.

"Ah fuck it." "JUST FUCKING KISS HER."  "Why is everyone in cartoons always straight." "It's a motherfucking dragon hurpdedur." I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard. I felt almost happy.

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it." I said even though I was the only handicapped one.

I wheeled myself to the door and opened it with difficulty. A familiar figure stood outside. "Hey Dan. Can I come in?"

"Yeah I guess." I said and turned back down the hall.

"Who was it?" Yelled PJ.

"Phil." I yelled back. "Don't pause the movie. I'll be back in a second."

I led Phil to my room. "So what's up Phil? How have you been? It's been what...four or five days."

He perched on the edge of the bed awkwardly. He looked terrible. His eyes were bloodshot. I could tell he had been drinking. "I've been okay."

"Don't you fucking lie to me Phil."

He sighed. "I've been drinking too much. I woke up with a stranger in my bed a few days ago. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating."

I took his hand. I started rolling up his sleeves. There were hundreds of fresh red cuts. I felt tears spring to my eyes. "Phil..."

"I miss you Dan. Every day the flat is so quiet. I think too much, I cry too much, I drink too much. My life has fallen apart. I need you bear." He stared at the carpet.

I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back tightly as though he never wanted to let go. I rubbed circles on his back. He let out a quiet sob. I wanted him. I wanted to be his again. I wanted to feel his lips on mine. I wanted to wake up and see him. But you're going to get hurt again. He was going to stomp on my heart, but I needed him.

What was I going to do?