Just Friends

Part 14: When he's getting better

I sprinted through the door to the flat. "Phil! Phil are you okay? PHIL. Goddammit. Where are you Phil?" I searched the flat quickly.

"Dan?" Phil said emerging from his room. For a moment I thought it was my Phil, but there was still something in his eyes that wasn't him. "Why the hell are you screaming?"

I stopped to catch my breath. "I thought...."

Phil recognized what I was trying to say. "Oh. You thought I tried to kill myself again." For once he wasn't yelling. I winced, he was probably going to start soon. He noticed. "Dan why are you doing that?"

I looked up. "You're not going to yell at me?"

He looked hurt, something in his eyes was changing. He was starting to look more and more like my Phil. "No Dan. I'm not going to yell at you..." He stared at the carpet. "I'm sorry Dan."

I stared at him in confusion. "You're sorry?"

"Yeah... I've been treating you really bad recently. I'm sorry." He stepped towards me and gave me a hug. I hugged him back awkwardly.

"I've missed you." I said quietly.

He paused. "I've missed you too Dan."

"You've lost a lot of my trust. It's going to be hard for you to get it back." I said softly.

"I know. I've been such a dick. My brain tells me that all of this is your fault and I wanted to believe that so much. Because if it's not your fault, then it's mine. I want to die. All I ever do is hurt people Dan. That's all I fucking do. Why am I even still here?" He burst into tears. It was the first time I had seen him cry since he tried to leave.

I wiped away his tears gently. "Phil. We're gonna be okay. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep."

I put my hand over my heart. "I promise that everything will be okay. Maybe not today or next week. Maybe not twenty years from now. But one day you will wake up and you will actually believe that everything will be okay."

He wiped a tear away. "I love you Dan."

I stepped closer and put a hand to his cheek softly. "I love you so much more."

He put his palm to my chest and pushed me away. "Which is why I think it would be better if we were just friends."

My stomach twisted. I felt my body start to tremble. "Friends? Are you actually kidding me Phil?"

He shook his head slowly. "I think we should break up."

I felt like I had been slapped. A lump started growing in my throat. "What about all of those kisses? What about all the times you said you loved me?" I felt hot angry tears sliding down my face.

"Dan I-" Phil tried to interrupt.

I was practically screaming. "What about that date? What about when we had sex? What about all of those fucking times I waited at your side in the hospital? Did all of that mean nothing to you Phil? Do I mean nothing to you? You say that you love me and you kiss me and with those same lips you tell me that you don't want me."

I turned away from him. "I don't think I can be just friends Phil." I wiped my tears away roughly.