Just Friends

Part 17: When we all try to find ourselves

Phil? What was he doing here? I pulled my hand away from his harshly.

He looked at me with tears streaming down his face. "Dan..." Is a he can say before he collapsed into a fit of sobs.

I didn't mean to kill myself. Sometimes blades cut too deep. Sometimes puddles of blood get too large. It was an accident.

He of all people should have known that.

PJ and Chris bounced around me like excitable puppies. "Mate how do to feel?" Asked Chris with concern.

I looked down at myself. Tubes and wires ran in and out of my arms. My thighs still burned from the deep cuts. I thought perhaps they would still hurt even when the scars vanished.

"I feel ok. I'm alive at least." My chest hurt just from talking. Fuck my stupid body.

Phil lets out a small choking sob. PJ hugs him tightly. "Why are you crying? He's alive Phil."

"I don't know." Phil replied miserably.

I looked out the window to avoid Phil's gaze. It was a crisp sunshiney day. The wind whispered through the trees just enough to make them tremble. A tiny coffee-colored bird hopped from branch to branch. I wished to be as free as him one day.

"Why are you here?" I asked him without turning my gaze from the window.

"Because I screwed up. Because I still love you. Because I felt responsible for all of this. Because I felt that if you died it would be my fault." He stood up suddenly. "I'm sorry." He said and ran from the room.

"Why is he acting so strange?"

"You heard his reasons. You almost died. He freaked out. He never stopped crying once. I think he's been drinking a lot too." Chris sighs. "He's pretty fucked up."

"Aren't we all?" Said PJ absentmindedly more to himself than to either of us.

"Him more than us."

PJ nodded, "Very true."

A nurse walked in. She was short and pretty. She smiled at me warmly. "I'm glad to see that you're awake Mr. Howell. How are you feeling?"

I shrugged, "Not great, but not terrible. Mostly I just feel tired."

"That's normal for people coming out of comas. You need to really really take it easy. Put no strain on yourself at all. In fact..." She looked down at her clipboard. "The doctor wants you to stay in a wheelchair for a few days. We want to make sure that you don't have any problems with your body before you really use it."

I sigh internally. A wheelchair. I wouldn't be able to do anything. If I was in a wheelchair then I couldn't even go to the bathroom without help. I shuddered. I don't want to have to do this.

"Hey that'll be fun." PJ said with a grin. "We can push you off cliffs and you won't be able to stop us."

The nurse smiled. "You boys can take him home whenever is convenient."

Chris picked me up and set me in the wheelchair. "You ready?"

"I guess so." I replied.

Where was Phil? If he loved me then why didn't he try to get me back?