Just Friends

Part 21: When we both screw up

Phil's lips were on mine again. It had been a year but they still felt the same. Phil's long fingers tangled hopelessly in my hair. The kiss was gentle and intimate and I enjoyed every second of it.

Phil pushed me away with a dazed expression. "What the hell am I doing?" He muttered to himself.

I mentally reached out and tried to pull him back towards me, but he wasn't paying attention. "Phil?" I asked.

"Hmm?" He said not even looking at me. He kept touching his face and muttering to himself like a lunatic. "What am I doing? Dan's my best friend. We broke up, you can't just do that anymore Phil." He finally seemed to see me. "Dan did I screw up?"

I gripped the neck of his t-shirt loosely and pulled him on top of me. "No Philly, you didn't fuck anything up. You made everything better." I kissed him softly on the nose.

He looked at me wide-eyed like a very small child. "I missed you Dan." He pecked me on the lips and I couldn't stand it anymore.

I kissed him hungrily. I was pleasantly surprised when his tongue started exploring my mouth. He quickly became the dominant Phil that I used to know. I felt his teeth on my neck and I let out a stifled moan.

"God Dan you're so damn sexy." He said slipping my shirt over my head. I blushed.

I kissed him hurriedly and pulled his shirt off. "I love you Phil." I kissed along his collarbone.

"I love you too." Phil gasped out. His hands started roaming lower on my body.

"Phil!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me seriously. "We don't have to do this. I don't want to pressure you into anything.

"No." I replied. I could feel my face burning with a crimson blush. I started sliding his pajama pants down his thin form. "I want to."

Later that day

I hadn't left my room all day. The flat permeated with an awkward silence. We were both pretty confused and mixed up. It would probably help to talk to each other but I was much too awkward and Phil was too shy.

I sat on the edge of my bed. Why was I so dumb? You can't just fuck your best friend and expect things to go back to normal. You definitely can't tell best friend that you love him. I had fucked up so bad. I contemplated for the thirtieth time running away from my problems and becoming a monk. I thought about moving back in with PJ, but I didn't want to be a burden for him.

I didn't know what I wanted. Obviously I wanted Phil, more than anything else. I also wanted my heart not to get fucked up again. What do I even want? Phil, security, happiness. Could I have all of those things? Probably not.

I started crying again. I wasn't a person who was good with making decisions. This was taking its toll on me. My thighs and wrists were already fresh with wounds. I felt emotionally drained and exhausted.

I got out of bed to go pee and get food. I sprinted to the bathroom. No Phil in sight. Thank God. I wasn't in the mood for confrontation. I washed my hands and headed to the kitchen. I grabbed cereal, wine, and some frozen pizzas. I could live off of that for a few days. My arms were very full on my way back to my room. I ran into something.

"Oh hey Dan." Came a familiar tinny soprano voice. Cher.