Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Breakeven

I tried to keep away from Google, I really did, but I'm weak. Report after report has been coming in about Harry's wild drunken nights out with this girl and that one. I've stared at that lazy smile he plasters on his face whenever he's a mile past tipsy a million times, at one million and one I started to feel sick. It's bad enough that the jealousy in me won't settle down but what's worse is how many times I've seen someone saying how glad they are that we "broke up."

Of course we were never a couple but the term seems to fit what's been happening. It's been weeks since we last spoke, or more like, since he last spoke. I received my keys in the mail promptly just as he promised. It didn't take long, maybe a day and a half, so I know he paid extra to ship them faster. Somehow knowing that hurt me more than receiving the keys at all. The fact that he couldn't even stand the sight of them on his key chain broke me a little more than I thought it would. I can only imagine the unceremonious funeral all of our pictures together underwent, not to mention the candids he'd always sneak of me.

If he's as upset as some of his fans I can only imagine the horrible things he said while deleting them. As I scrolled through the comments under article after article quoting an "inside source" saying we weren't speaking because of the book, I'd been called everything from a dirty black parasite to a dirty whōre snake. I hate that the misinformation is out there but no one wants the truth, they want a headline. Even after Pebbles Publishing issued an apology and retraction only a few blogs even mentioned it. The only good thing about this entire thing is that paparazzi have stopped following me, only every once in a while will I catch one. I guess since Harry's tossed me aside so has the media which I'm extremely grateful for.

Amita and Damien have been right by my side through this entire ordeal which I thank them for tremendously. They've turned out to be amazing friends, supportive and loyal. They're there to listen when I need an ear and party when I need to forget. Regardless of the hurt and regret I still feel daily, I know I wouldn't be getting through this whole thing as well as I have been without them.

Surprisingly enough Berkley has been there for me as well. After the news broke he realized why my mood had changed so severely at dinner that night and apologized. He's checked up on me every day at work, popping into my office just to see how I am, and even calling or texting on the weekends. We've gotten a bit closer but I still don't want to let him in the way he wants me to. At the end of the day I've always looked at Berkley as a stepping stone. I needed to know that I could become involved with someone with one foot in and one out the door. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't have to be the bleeding heart, die hard romantic I've always been, I could be like one of the guys and play keep away with my heart. As far as that goes it's been mission accomplished but I can't say it's made me feel any better about myself or improved my ideas on relationships.

The true question hasn't been whether or not I can play relationship games it's been whether or not I can fall in love and remain the spunky outspoken woman I've grown to be. With Berkley that chance to fall for him was never really there. Don't get me wrong it's not that he doesn't have the makings of a great boyfriend, he's intelligent, wealthy, articulate, and dashingly handsome. But he doesn't provide me everything I need out of a man.

As I've always said it's not his fault he doesn't know me but the truth is he's never really been too interested in getting to know me. Berkley is a means to an end kind of guy and ultimately his goal is to have a compliant mate, I'm not her. It's not that he's a bad person, quite the opposite actually, he's just used to a certain type of lady. Months of his "encouragement", as he calls it, hasn't worked to morph me into that woman and I can tell he's frustrated.

Take for instance him asking me to move in with him. We finally talked about it and he admitted he wanted to try and jumpstart my commitment to him. I was pretty taken aback that he would ask someone to move in simply because he felt like they weren't committed enough to him in a casual relationship, casual being the operative word. To use something as serious as moving in as a power play is the main reason he and I couldn't be together seriously. I've been there and done that with guys who play mind games and it's not what I'm interested in. He's used to women who aren't used to men like him. Now don't get me wrong I'm not accustomed to being around men who could afford the lifestyle he and Harry live but the type of man that Berkley is isn't new to me. He likes women who trip over their own two feet to kiss his and I've never been fond of feet.