Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Enemy

His lips are so close to her ears he could tell me how her fůcking earwax tastes. The pictures are piling up from Harold's escapades overseas. Girls, girls, and more girls, at the award show, after parties, at the club, at fashion shows – they're everywhere and all of them are entirely too close to him for comfort. I suppose this, and him extending his trip for another few days, are my punishments for not coming to meet him but had I known he'd go girl crazy the second he was out of my sight I would've. He's in at least three pictures with his ex-fling Tara and as much as I know I can trust him I can't help the nagging feeling inside that says that I can't, especially since he hasn't called or texted me back since he left. The last communication we had was him telling me he was extending his trip and he didn't even text me back after I replied then.

As a new video about him from Yahoo News begins to play I push the power button on my laptop, not caring that I'm turning it off improperly, I just need to get it off of my screen and out of my face. The new therapist I'm seeing, Dr. Ramirez would be very disappointed right now. He thinks I feed my insecurities and judging by the hour I spent going down the rabbit hole that is the internet I think he's right.

Terra's been encouraging me the past couple of days to keep seeing him but instead I've went to two other shrinks. So far none of them seem like the right fit but all of them have been telling me relatively the same thing. I apparently have road blocks up to protect myself, which I knew, but according to therapist number one my reluctance to take them down is out of habit. He in part blames my first therapist, Dr. Greg, for my compulsive behavior.

When I was in treatment for my depression and anxiety Dr. Greg developed a series of routines for me to stick to in order to provide me with a feeling of control over my life. At the time these routines were something I gripped onto because of how out of my hands everything felt. I was thrown into college, adulthood, and losing my friends and being a spoiled sheltered kid coming up, I was going through a huge culture shock. My anxiety went crazy and I began to slip into a depressive state. I felt like my brain was always racing, like I was never prepared for life's newest obstacle and everything just felt so overwhelming. My routines became my salvation and soon I felt more in control and was actually able to function without fearing the next thing coming. Eventually I started applying this same principle to my life outside of typical things like working out, eating, or sleeping. Soon I had a routine for the way that I handled friendships and relationships, jobs, the way I managed my emotions, even the way I brushed my teeth. Even once I moved and Berkley, Amita, and Damien came into my life, I found new habits and figured out how to work them and my new surroundings into them.

My life has been one big routine until Harry. He's been the only person to enter my life in years that has been able to trip me up, to strip me out of my monotony and thrust me onto a new path. Feeling myself lose control like that has me scrambling to gain it back again. According to therapist number one, I've been pushing him out not only to protect myself from hurt but more so to protect my way of life.

I didn't like the way he came for Dr. Greg's neck for methods that more than likely saved my life at that time, but I must admit therapist one has a point. I've never been a huge fan of change so add in my other mountain of issues - self-loathing, pessimism, lack of faith in the human race as a whole – and you get the shįt show that is my outlook.

Although I was able to get something out of seeing all of the therapists I still haven't been able to find my right fit but I'm going to keep looking. I didn't realize how much it helped to talk to someone who's totally objective to my life until these past few days. I felt hopeful that I could change my ways for the first time in a while and that's enough to make me seriously search for a shrink that fits. I have to find a way to live in the now and I hope seeing someone can help me do that.