Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Thinking Out Loud

October 21, 2020

Disappointment, deceit, betrayal, they're all a part of life. They infect each of our journeys at some point, but it's how we react to them that matters.

I reacted poorly for years. I let fear freeze me in place, too afraid to move forward for fear of repeating the same mistakes that were behind me. I let them taunt me and mold me into a shell of the woman I wanted to be. On the outside I looked like I had everything together and that was enough for me.

Until him.

He made me want to do better, to be a better version of myself until I could become the best, all the while loving me even when I fell short. I won't be cliché and say it took Harry loving me for me to be able to truly love myself, but his love for damned sure didn't hurt.

What I can say is his love encouraged me to love myself. It gave me hope and something to work towards. I knew that if I kept at it, working as hard as I could, one day I would be able to truly, madly, and deeply love him back the way he deserved. I knew then I wouldn't have to worry about either of us walking away because when you're loving and loved completely everything will always be okay in the end.

Fully loving myself is what allowed me to love Harry and loving Harry has allowed me to be free. Free of the weight of self-loathing, distrust in myself, distrust in others, and finally, free of the weight of my past mistakes and failures.

Looking at myself in the mirror I smile, finally comprehending one huge truth. Everyone's idea of love is not the same and it doesn't mean you're worthless if someone's idea of love hurts you, it means you're incompatible. It was the lesson that took the longest for me to learn, but that makes sense since it's the most important.

The value I see in every aspect of myself now is unmatched. Especially on a day like today – the day I marry my one true love.

We didn't rush our engagement, instead we waited two years to allow ourselves time to get every other aspect of our lives in order so we could actually enjoy planning our wedding. I can proudly say that every detail, down to the day we'll exchange our vows, was chosen by Harry and I as a couple. We decided to combine our birth months, the second for his and the eighth for mine, to get our wedding month and combined our birth days, the first for him and the twentieth for me, to get our wedding day. Our wedding colors - navy blue and silver – came from the wrapping on the clues Harry left me for our proposal and the idea to have a photo booth was one we decided on right away.

Nura comes in the room, looking beautiful in her navy blue bridesmaid gown, and gives me a thumbs up letting me know the area is paparazzi free. It was Harry's idea to leak a false wedding date and location so we could have our actual ceremony in peace. The options for where to have the ceremony were endless but in the end we decided to have it in California – our home.

The old theatre has been sitting abandoned for years. I'd driven past it countless times and one day it occurred to me to stop and see if I could take a look inside. I did a quick walkthrough and fell totally in love with the place. It took months to get in touch with the owners to buy it and even longer to renovate the place and get it up to code but with my plans to move into writing plays and movie scripts it seemed like a multipurpose purchase. It looks like something straight out of the old Hollywood glamor days – I couldn't be happier with it.

"We're almost ready to go?" my cousin Terra asks, stepping into the room. She looks so voluptuous in her mermaid cut maid of honor dress I couldn't stop fawning over her.

"I just need to put my veil on and I'll be ready to go," I reply, holding up the flowing material.

My mother steps in and grabs the veil from my hands, the tears in her eyes sparking mine.