Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Religious

The past two months have been filled with more talking than I've done in my entire life. It's a revelation - to speak and actually be heard. I didn't know how amazing it could be to be fully open and expressive with someone who offered you the space to do so, not to mention the reciprocation. I feel like our relationship has elevated to the level we were always meant to be at. Things have escalated quickly and much more deeply than I expected but for once I'm not afraid - well not totally. I still am wary about the depth of our connection and the possible penalties from it if things go poorly but the difference is I don't have to handle those fears on my own. Part of us opening up is that we talk about everything, even when it's tough.

I've let go more and have been enjoying the feeling of just being with Harry. It's been hard to change but he's worth it and so far my therapy has been working. It probably helps that we've been opening up to each other a lot more about our feelings, it's aided me in times when I want to push him away. Our relationship has matured so much and when I feel like I want to start shutting down I tell him and we figure out what's next.

We've been put to the test for the past couple of weeks with the way the media and his fans have been crucifying me. The news finally dropped that I quit working for Reynolds and Reynolds. Unfortunately, it came out before Oak Market announced them publishing my first book. By then I'd received more quotes of Kanye's song Gold Digger than I'd need for a lifetime.

I wasn't really upset about the backlash from the fans – I knew it would happen – it was more the way the media portrayed me. They went so far back as to bring up the previous debacle with Pebbles Publishing to try and make it seem like there's some type of devious pattern. It was hard for me to handle the whole world thinking I was some type of plotting gold digging liar. Usually I would've curled in on myself and turned my emotions inward. This time however, I had Harry and we worked together to do damage control and manage my anger about the slander. I don't feel like it's me against the world anymore and that's amazing.

I've never been someone's everything before. The only experience I had with the concept was making someone my everything and not getting it back. I guess in some sick way I thought that was the way this whole thing worked and so that's how I responded to Harry - by becoming the thing I hate. I'm done letting history repeat itself and it feels better than anything I've ever experienced. I've gone from his ailment to his cure and I see the pride in his eyes when he looks at me.

After we reconciled I took some time to think and decided that even though I care for Harry, until I could fully love and accept all parts of myself I couldn't truly be sure it was love that I felt for him. After two months of loving myself, seeing myself as a whole person, I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to tell him I love him – I'm just waiting for the right time. I want it to be perfect. I'm hoping to make a grand gesture and really sweep him off of his feet but it seems something's always coming up.

Last month my birthday took up nearly the entire month. Since Harry was going to miss my actual birthday due to obligations he had in London, he set up nearly daily surprises for me from the first day of August. He started out small with flowers, phone accessories, clothes – stuff like that and as the month continued the gifts got bigger, from a new camera to a custom built laptop for my writing.

The week of my birthday he flew my parents in and took us golfing and to race Lamborghinis. I'd never seen my parents have so much fun and Harry got a real kick out of teaching me how to golf even though I was terrible. When I thought the surprises couldn't get any better, the day before he left for London we took my parents sight-seeing during the day and then that night, after hours, Harry rented out Disneyland for us. I was so shocked, especially when all of our friends started arriving. The lads and their girlfriends, Amita and Damien, and a bunch of Harry's celeb friends came through as well. I got to meet a lot of people I'd only ever saw in magazines while enjoying the happiest place on earth without any lines to the rides. My cake was massive and had a photo Harry took of me printed into the icing. It was one of those off guard pictures I didn't know he'd taken. My eyes were scrunched as I grinned and looked off into the distance, probably laughing at some silly joke he'd made. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and by the time we got home I was so sleepy Harry had to carry me inside.