Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Pillow Talk

The smell of bacon permeates the air, punishing my senses until I'm forced awake. When I open my eyes I stare at the ceiling fan above until it's imprint is behind my eyes even after I close them. My mind is racing with thoughts as if they've been waiting all night to plague me but the loudest of them all is the wonder if last night was all some elaborate dream. Harry and I had obviously thought about it and even talked about it but to actually have done it, that's a line I refuse to believe we crossed. It feels too good to be true. To think I slept with him without any proper preparation, there's no way. I've had my first time planned out in my head since I found out what sex was so there's no way last night happened, I had to have been dreaming.

I feel the need to stretch creep through my bones and as my body elongates I feel a pulsing sensation between my legs that floods back the memories of last night. Every touch, kiss, caress, each and every body pounding, earth shaking, neighbors know his name moment of the past hours fill my mind and jump start my body. So good it feels like a dream, I should get him a shirt with that painted on the back. I giggle to myself as an involuntary smile creeps across my face.

I couldn't be happier that Harry was my first, second, and third by the time we got done with each other. I've never been so intoxicated by someone and I've never felt as wanted as he makes me feel. Every moment wasn't totally storybook perfect, but that doesn't exist. It's not real and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Without the pain, the laughter, and the awkwardness it wouldn't have been us. Had I made the mistake that so many girls my age make, by giving it away too young, I would've missed out on this amazing experience. As strange as it may sound I feel blessed to have shared something so personal and intense with someone so caring and tender.

My mind unintentionally kicks up the buried memory of what almost was my first time. I'd skipped class with Charlie to go to his house and give my innocence away. I wanted him so badly in every way possible I was willing to do anything to have him, to keep him, and foolishly enough I thought giving him my body was the way to do it. We ended up on his bed kissing and were almost at the point of no return when I came to my senses. My mother's words rang in my ears, "Sex won't make them love you, they've got to be there already."

I realized then that at any cost I wanted to prove that I loved him but I never made him prove it to me. I stopped him from taking off my clothes and asked him straight up if he loved me. He gave me a casual, "Of course I do," and tried to get us back on track but I was already off the train. It seemed for the first time I could hear, damn near see the bullshįt dripping off of his words. Immediately I got up from the bed and asked him again if he loved me. I'm not sure if I wanted to test my ears or if I just needed to hear his lies again for them to clear the fog around my brain but once the words left his lips my heart sank. I knew then what I had to do.

Normally I was your typical cool chick, I didn't seem to let much get to me but the truth is I never had the courage to change everything. I feared saying anything would ruin it all so I kept my mouth shut and my pain locked away until it exploded out. However on these rare occasions, he'd somehow end up angrier than me by the end of the argument and wouldn't talk to me for days as if I was the one in the wrong. He was so good he had me believing I was the problem too, so often so I ended up not shaking the thought. I'd blame myself for everything and sometimes I still do, it's easier than trying to discover why the relationship isn't working. By any means necessary I avoided loneliness not knowing I was lonely all along. I always figured if I blamed myself he'd stay, I wouldn't have to accuse him of anything so he'd have no reason to go.

But in that moment after having my eyes opened in the nick of time I didn't care, I wanted him to leave. Every lie, every rumor, and every half-truth I heard came flooding to my brain. Every time I was blind-sided or embarrassed or made fun of because of him crashed through my coherent thoughts and I exploded. I yelled at the top of my lungs, cursing him and everything he stood for. I don't even remember half of what I said but I know it was the last time we spoke until we started working together after graduation and even then it was as little conversation as possible. At the time I counted that as the worst day of my life, but now looking back I know better.