Weightless (H.S. BWWM)

Collide

My meeting with Evergreen Publishing went decent enough. The vibe there was fine and they didn't seem like they were foaming at the mouth for a Harry Styles exclusive but I'd be lying if I said they didn't mention him. The Pebbles Publishing disaster took up so much space in my head the entire time I was there that I almost didn't hear them when they asked about him. The apprehension I walked in with expanded tenfold but I kept a cool head and in the end told them I'd consider their proposal. The difference is this time around I'm going to tell Harry as soon as I can, full disclosure this time around.

Once I made it home I did what I've been doing all week while waiting for Harry's return; poured a glass of wine, pulled on one of his shirts, and sat down to write. My readers have been loving it and although I love writing for them the loneliness has been killing me. Without him here the house feels so empty but luckily for me I only have to endure it for a few more hours. I could barely contain my excitement last night knowing he'd be here in my arms in less than a day.

We've been having a pretty good laugh together all week thanks to the magazines constant lies about me dating Damien. Paparazzi snapped a few pictures of us leaving the club the other night holding hands and have been running with the story ever since. They failed to realize that for one, Damien's gay and for two, he was helping me walk in my heels so I didn't fall over due to how much I drank. When the news broke Harry started playfully texting me about competition and asking me how I could cheat on him just days after his birthday. I told him the distance got to me and that I was running off with Damien and his fiancé to start a life together as a triad. It's been cracking us up all week in one way or another so I guess for once I'm thankful for the paps.

I definitely prefer us laughing to the alternative. We tried phone sex for his birthday earlier this month and that... well let's just say it could've went better. Neither of us are very good at dirty talk, too awkward for our own damned good I guess. By the time we got the ball rolling I could hear the other boys howling in laughter and Harry angrily yelling at them to stop being, in his word, fůcking perverts. After we got busted I think we were both too embarrassed to try again so I sang him the birthday song and we said our goodbyes.

I've tried to keep my mind off of it but I've been pretty bummed about my epic fail at seducing him. If I can't do it over the phone without feeling like an Awkward Alice I have no idea what I'll do face to face. I long for the type of sexual freedom I write for my characters knowing I'll be too concerned with every little detail when my time comes. Am I in good lighting? Is everything smelling okay? Tasting okay? Should I make more noise? Less? Is my voice annoying? Am I squishing him?

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, I don't even want to get started on the acne scars, excess fat, stretch marks, cellulite, and possible double chin, depending on the angle. Just thinking about the insecurities I have makes me exhausted.

Thankfully I've harnessed the willpower and restraint of a monk over the years. I doubt if Harry will get any from me for a while. And when he does it'll be in the dead of dark so only the whites of our eyes can be seen, problem solved.

~*~

Harry emailed me a while ago that he would be landing soon and then from there he'd be heading to the studio for a second before coming home. I couldn't be more glad. Don't get me wrong I'm bursting at the seams to see him but I have so much work to do before he gets here. So far I've made a cake that's supposed to taste like a Twix bar for his birthday we didn't get to celebrate and I'm letting heart shaped whoopee pies cool before I decorate them and put them together for Valentine's Day. Herbed Cornish hens are in the oven with mixed vegetables and his choice of red or white wine is on chill in the wine fridge. I still have to set the table, find a good music mix, and pick out an outfit. I've been running around in a tight grey pj set I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing me in but I want our first Valentine's Day as a couple to feel official even if we aren't going out.