Save Me (A Demi Lovato Femslash Fic)

Chapter 19

There is darkness, pure darkness. I see nothing but black and realize I'm unconscious. How I am able to think while unconscious I don't know. The point is that it's dark. I can't open my eyes, I can't even feel my eyes. I can't feel anything. I can't move anything. I feel something shock me and I can finally open my eyes. I'm in a room, a hospital room. There are doctors everywhere rushing to connect stuff to me. I'm injected with something then I have a big tube attached to me. They cover my mouth with a mask and as I breathe I start to get dizzy. Everything gets fuzzy and then there is darkness once again. The next time I woke up I was in a hospital room but unlike the last one this one was empty. Was no one here to see me? Demi wasn't here? Did she know I was here? What happened? The doctor came in and was surprised I was awake already. "What happened? Why am I here?" He sat down in the chair next to me and scribbled something on his clipboard.


"Yesenia my name is Dr. Roberts. I'm one of the psychologists in this hospital. I need to ask you some questions if you're okay with that."


"You gotta answer mine first Dr.Roberts."


"Fair enough." He crossed his legs and sighed. "You were brought in by an ambulance in critical state. Your father found you on your bathroom floor in a small pool of blood. They brought you here and the doctors tried to save you because you'd lost a lot of blood. And as you can probably guess, they saved you and here we are now." Lost a lot of blood? I had barely cut, I've never cut myself deep enough to loose a lot of blood. Then again I wasn't being careful in that moment. Shit. They knew, Leo and Linda knew about my cutting. Leo probably called my mom and so she knows now too. Everyone knows. "Are you ready to answer some questions Yesenia?" Unable to speak I just nod. "Okay first question: are you cutting yourself?" I looked at him with an annoyed expression. No shit I cut myself if I didn't I don't think I'd be here.


"Isn't that an obvious doc?" I raise my hands to show the cuts on my wrists. He clears his throat and continues.


"Right, dumb question. Second question: do you self harm in any other way?" I'm hesitant to tell him about my purging.


"Is this confidential?" Dr.Roberts shook his head.


"I'm sorry but no, this is information that regards your safety. If you tell me everything honestly, I promise I won't tell your parents everything you say. Just the important things." I take a deep breath and decide to tell him everything.


"Besides cutting I also purge."


"Okay, next question: why do you cut and purge?" I took a second to think.


"I purge because I'm fat, I look like a whale in the mirror. I cut because I'm not good enough for anyone. It's kind of my way out of things. It numbs the pain of something else, something that hurts more than a simple blade cutting my skin." He scribbled something else on his clipboard.


"Fourth question: have you ever seen a psychologist before?" I shook my head. " I see.... Yesenia have you ever experienced a major depressive episode before?"


"A what?"


"A major depressive episode. Has there been a period in your life where you have extreme anxiety, loss of appetite, over eating afterwards. Where you're feeling empty, hopeless, helpless, or even guilty?"


"Oh...um yeah recently but it's usually at night. By morning I feel okay, able to go on with my day. I mean I can genuinely laugh and enjoy myself so I don't think I have depression." Dr.Roberts scribbles something else on his board. "Yesenia I'm not entirely sure but from what you've told me it seems you have a moderate case of psychotic depression."


"What's that?"


"Psychotic depression refers to a major depressive episode which is accompanied by psychotic symptoms. It can occur in the context of bipolar disorder or major depressive disorder. I believe you have bipolar disorder as well and that's why you're depressed at night and suddenly happy the next day."


"So I'm crazy?"


"You're not crazy, you're just a bit sick. We can start treatment in a facility if you'd like. If you prefer staying at home with family then we can do treatment there as well." I laid my head back against my bed and closed my eyes. "Also I have to tell you something else. Individuals with psychotic depression experience the symptoms of a major depressive episode, along with one or more psychotic symptoms, including delusions and/or hallucinations. Delusions can be classified as mood congruent or incongruent, depending on whether or not the nature of the delusions is in keeping with the individual's mood state.Common themes of mood congruent delusions include guilt, punishment, personal inadequacy, or disease.Half of patients experience more than one kind of delusion. Delusions occur without hallucinations in about one-half to two-thirds of patients with psychotic depression.Hallucinations can be auditory, visual, olfactory, or haptic."


"So that means......?"


"It means you aren't fat, and what you see in the mirror is a hallucination or a delusion that your brain creates. Fact is that you're quite underweight. Hasn't anyone tried to help you?"


"I wear very large t-shirts and straight leg jeans Dr. Besides I'm alone most of the time."


"We can get you on some medication for the delusions and they should also help you gain some weight to be fit for treatment." I cringed when he said they should help you gain weight. I was going to be fat. If what he said was true, I was skinny like I've always wanted to be but now he's going to make me fat. Great. "Are my family members here?"


"Yes they've been waiting in the waiting room for hours but we wanted to talk to you first. I'll send them in if you're up for it."


"Yes please." He got up and put a hand on my shoulder.


"You'll get better Yesenia, trust me." I smile at him and he leaves. So I'm a crazy person who has hallucinations that she's as fat as a cow. Yeah Demi will totally want to date me now.My family came in and my father ran to my side to hug me. It felt nice being in his arms but I knew I was in trouble. His eyes were red and a bit puffy, I could tell he had been crying.


"I'm glad you're okay sweetie," Linda said as she came closer to hug me as well.


"Yeah us too Yesi," Luis said motioning to himself and Jess,who I could also tell had been crying but a lot more than my dad. My dad spoke last.


"I'm thankful to God that you're alive Yesenia, but-" , there it was, "you had me terrified that you wouldn't make it. I don't want you ever doing that again you hear me young lady?"


"It's easier said then done dad."


"I know I'm sorry." He looked apologetically at me and I reached out to touch his shoulder.


"You don't know dad but it's okay. I'm okay." He shook his head and knelt beside my bed.


"You aren't okay Yesenia that much I know. We're going to get you help."


"Dad I'm fine I've always been fine."


"No you haven't Yesenia." Anger was building inside of me. Why couldn't he just leave this alone? I don't need treatment I just need to be alone. I'm not crazy. I'm fine.


"And how you know dad up until a couple weeks ago you weren't even a part of my life." I regretted it as soon as I said it.


He stood up, look at me straight in the eye and said, "I know that Yesenia. I know I've been a terrible father to you and I'm trying to fix that. You're sick Yesenia and you're getting help. Your mother agrees and since you're still 17 you don't have much say." With that he walked out with Linda trailing behind him. Jessica came to my side next.


"Are you going to call me crazy too?" I said bitterly.


"No, I don't think you're crazy. I think a lot of things have happened to you within the last two months and you aren't coping well."


"I'm coping just fine. I'd be better if everyone left me alone."


"We can't leave you alone Yesenia."


"And why not?"


"Because if Rayne was alive she would never leave you alone and she'd convince you to go to treatment." At the mention of Rayne's name I looked away and held back tears.


"Just try treatment Yesi. We all want you to get better." She and Luis walked out and I'd gotten what I wanted. I was alone. I like being alone but I hate feeling lonely. I was expecting Demi to walk through the door but the day passed and she was no where. I started to think someone had told her about my mental illness and that scared her away. The next morning my dad walked in and told me that they were sending me back to California with my mom.


"You're just shipping me off with my mom? Can't handle having me here?" Leo sighed and shook his head.


"It's not that sweetie. I want you here but your mother wants you there. We've been fighting about it since Dr.Roberts told us about your illness. I'll come visit frequently and so will the whole family. We all love you Yesenia you know that right?" He kissed my forehead and held my hand.


"Yeah dad I know, and believe me I love you guys too."


"I'm going to go get some food downstairs, I'll be right back." He was almost out the door but then I decided to ask about Demi.


"Dad wait!" He turned around.


"Why hasn't Demi visited me yet? Does she know I'm even here? I mean if she knew I was here I know she'd come see me." He closed the door,sighed, and sat down next to me.


"Sweetie I didn't want to tell you this but I called her from your phone and told her what happened. She said that she was sorry this happened but didn't want to be involved with you anymore. She said it could harm her career." I couldn't believe it. She wouldn't say that. Would she? This couldn't be true.


"Dad... Please tell me you're lying and that she didn't say that," I said through sobs. How could she just say that? She said she really liked me. I was such an idiot. My dad came closer and he hugged me tightly.


"I'm sorry sweetie, you don't know how much I wished I was wrong about her." I cried even after my dad left. I cried a lot that day. The next I got released and went home to pack. My flight back to Cali was at 7:00 pm. It sucked leaving here, I'd come to love this place. I looked around my room and realized I would miss it. I wondered if they had found my blades in my bathroom. I walked in and I couldn't find them. Then I looked for my back up blades in the toilet paper holder tube. There they were, clean and dry. Waiting to be used. I heard a knock on my door so I quickly put them away, grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and walked out. It was just Linda asking if I needed any help with packing. I said no. As I was packing there rest of my things I realized that Rayne's funeral was tomorrow. I needed to go, be there for her. So I went to talk to my dad and he agreed I should go for some closure so he booked me a later flight. I left everything in the suitcases and just took out a black dress and some black flats. My room looked so bare without my things. It felt really large and I felt really small. I went to bed and hoped that I could get through her funeral without losing it completely. The next day I woke up and took a shower. I got dressed and went downstairs where my family was ready to go to Rayne's funeral to say good bye. It was held in the cemetery because it was also her burial. Her family was in tears and I could feel my eyes watering already. They left the casket open for a few hours and I went to see her one last time. A part of me didn't want to because I wanted to remember her laughing, smiling and full of life but I knew I had to. As I neared the casket my stomach turned. I wasn't very good with dead things. Anyways when I saw her body I couldn't help but smile. Even in death Rayne was incredibly beautiful. I reached out to touch her and I felt her cold, smooth skin. I smiled because I saw that they had put on the friendship necklace I'd given her. I held the half broken heart in my hand and ran my finger over its smooth surface. I turned the heart over and saw my name etched into it. Her half had my name on it and my half had hers. It was so we would always remember each other and keep each other close to our hearts. I couldn't hold it any longer and I let the tears fall down my face. I must have been crying harder than I thought because my dad came and let me to a seat. I calmed down once the priest started the ceremony. After the ceremony I placed a rose on her coffin and kissed it. "You'll always be in my heart," I whispered to Rayne. I left and felt a bit better about things. As we pulled in we saw cop cars outside our house. My father got out and asked what was going on. "We have great news sir," the officer said. I got out and stood next to my father. "We finally caught that boy that killed your daughter's friend." My heart soared and I smiled brightly. He was going to be in jail where he deserved. I hoped they gave Drew life in prison or something. My dad hugged me and I thanked the officers. I could leave in peace knowing that he would be punished for his acts and because Rayne was finally resting in peace as well. Dinner that night was bittersweet; my dad told me about the plan he'd worked out with Dr.Roberts. I'd be treated by his colleague Dr.Ryan in LA. My dad had a house there so my mom was currently moving our things there. I would be home schooled and a tutor,payed by my father, would come teach me for the rest of the year or until I got better. My dad also said that if I didn't get better with treatment at home that they would have to send me to a treatment center. My flight left at 11:00 PM so at 10:30 my dad and I left to the airport. Not once had I heard from Demi so I kinda gave up. I still couldn't believe it but I guess I had to face the facts. I boarded my plane and headed home.