The Program

Chapter 8

Jellal Fernandes

I pulled out the multi-colored lights out from the boxes and started hanging them around the hallway. 

I wonder how Erza is doing and if the tour is finished or not.

I shook my head, continuing to put on the lights around to distract myself.

In a few minutes, I was finished and moved onto the hallway downstairs. And every passing second, Erza would pop into my mind along with questions like 'how is she doing' and 'where is she.'

I need to stop thinking about Erza. But I just can't.

The box was empty once I was finished with the two hallways. I went to put the box up then strolled out of the building, out into the courtyard where a bunch of students were setting up the Christmas tree.

The temptation every day is killing me. It's eating me alive.

I started helping the students set the huge green tree up. It was definitely tall, it was like a town Christmas tree.

I don't know how much longer I'll be able to handle this.

Why does it have to even be this way? I'm not related to Erza. She's not related to me. 

But why does it have to be the way where I'm forced to be related to her?

And why didn't I realize my own feelings sooner?

The other students started humming holiday songs as we began decorating the tree with lights and ornaments. 

Me and her parents use to be good friends. They always took Erza to my house. That's where I met her, when they asked me to go play with her. I still remember the first time we hung out. She shyly came up to me and we played hide and seek together. I was seek, and she had to hide. She was cheerful and childish, her scarlet hair was shorter, and her voice was high pitched but adorable back then.

Her cheeks heated up easily.

There wasn't a single imperfection on her skin. She was just a normal, happy kid. And when I found her the first time we were playing hide and seek, when she screamed in fear and stuffed her face into my shoulder, and wrapped her arms around me tightly, I started to develop a soft spot for her without knowing it.

The more and more we hung out as her parents brought her over to my house, we slowly but surely became best friends. And that's what I started to think of her as. My best friend. 

As we both grew up, so did our friendship. Of course we had a fights every now and then. But she was still my best friend. At least, that's what I thought of her as.

She continued to bloom into the beauty she is today. She was always smiling and we both loved hanging out with each other. There were times where people thought we were dating, but we both shrugged it off.

I started to date some girls that I liked. We would go out for a few months, but it would always end because I didn't feel as I did before. 

Plus I never liked them the same way I liked Erza. I didn't know what the reason was for that. I didn't think I liked her romantically. It just couldn't be that way. We were best friends, and that's how it was from back then to now.

Then that's when everything went down. When we were 15, we both found out that my dad was in love with Erza's mom. That brought a lot of fighting and drama for everyone. It was a stressing time, and I didn't know what to do or how to take care of myself. My dad was in love with my best friend's mom. What exactly was I supposed to think of it?

Everyone started singing out loud a holiday song. The tree was wrapped with colorful lights and decorated with sparkly, shiny ornaments. A student brought a ladder over in order to wrap the lights around the tree fully.

I hummed the song everyone was singing, but didn't sing out loud with them. I pulled out two ornaments from the box and put them on the tree, staring at what I did before picking out more from the box.

I continued to decorate the tree with the ornaments until the box was completely empty. I closed the box then pushed it aside, opening another one up which had ornaments and ribbons neatly organized inside. 

Then in the midst of the drama, I realized that I liked Erza. I had romantic feelings for her. But it was already too late.

The drama was concluded and it came with a price. 

That price was my mom leaving with Erza's dad. They both were fed up with everything that was happening, they both had broken hearts, and were deeply hurt since the four that were once friends had to break up because of what happened. 

I tried to stop my mom from leaving. I didn't want to lose a parent, and I didn't want it to the end like this. I wanted them to be able to fix this, but she pushed me away and left.

The two of them got a divorce.

I didn't interact with my dad for months after that. He tried to talk to me, but I would ignore him. Why did he have to fall in love with Erza's mom? 

Eventually, the two of them got married. Being there at the wedding was miserable. Sitting there, watching the two of them exchange rings, and tell each other that they'll vow to love each other forever, made me feel sick. It was torture. 

I thought that it's stupid he fell in love with someone else. He should've loved mom, that way she would've never left. I wouldn't be separated from my real mother, and everything would be fine. 

But then that day at the wedding, where me and Erza officially became step-siblings, I thought, why did I have to fall in love with her?

I didn't know.

And that was the same case with my dad.

It took me a while to talk to him again after that. I buried myself in my studies. I was miserable and I just wanted to become old enough to leave the house. I couldn't handle being there, where me and the girl I love are supposed to be related, and where I'm expected to treat her mother like she's my mother. 

I was so depressed that I felt like I was going crazy.

I wanted to get away from them. I wanted to get away from Erza too. I couldn't love her, but I did, because we love people for no reason at all.

That's when this program at a boarding school came up and I got picked for it because of my high grades. I thought that this was my chance. I would be able to get over Erza and out of that house.

But it didn't end up that way, because she got picked for it too because of her low grades. 

I was actually a bit happy, because then I would be able to watch over her, and I wanted to see how she was doing even if it killed me. 

But she doesn't smile anymore.

And I don't smile genuinely anymore.

Before I realized it, we were finished decorating the Christmas tree. One of the students climbed up the ladders and placed the star on the top and everyone applauded themselves in victory.

I stared at the tree as the students turned on soft music that soothed their minds after all that work. Snow started to fall from the sky, exciting a bunch of the students and they began to ran around. But I stayed in one place, continuing the stare at the tree in front of me.

All I want for Christmas is her, 

But since I can't get what I want,

There will be no Christmas for me.