The Program

Chapter 9

PART 1/2

Natsu Dragneel

''The most horrible thing is having no identification of my own self.''

One week passed and it was already time for the Holiday Festival. Everyone was delighted, all dressed up in their outfits, and ready to throw around their blissful spirit. 

That in itself is enough reason for me to be joyful and join them, right? 

But it wasn't. It wasn't enough.

I sat in a chair decorated with red fabric, a santa hat on my head that threatened to fall off as I rested the side of my face on my hand; staring out at the crowd of people.

I thought that if you made other people happy, then the result would be the same for you. I thought that if other people were happy, then you would be happy.

But happiness doesn't seem to work that way. And I've realized that ever since Lisanna died. I did something inexcusable. And even if I had to make up an excuse, I wouldn't be able to. 

Because I have no idea why I did that. 

I mean, at first I did. I wanted to make other people carefree. That way, I could be contented. 

But back then I didn't know how the world worked. I just thought that if I could make someone smile then it would help. 

My way to make that happen.. was cruel, and dirty. I'm a horrible excuse for a human being.

I still try to make other people happy. It's the only thing I can hold on to. 

I don't know who I am.

But what I do know is that I'm broken. Very, very broken and empty. I've forgotten who I am. 

And I'm sure that I've been this way even before what happened to Lisanna. 

What I did makes it seem as if I didn't care for her. But I did. I really did. I was just.. I don't know.

Maybe I can come to terms with everything one day.

But for now I can't.

Standing up from the chair, I took a stroll around the busy auditorium. Most of the students there were chatting, eating, and just having a good time with each other.

Which I can't have.

I sighed, grabbing the santa hat on my head and slowly taking it off. I placed the hat somewhere, before taking my leave out of the auditorium and out into the freezing cold. Snow covered the ground, and the Christmas tree had sprinkles of the white flakes on it. 

The lights hanged all around the campus lit up the place greatly and colorfully. I wrapped my white scaled scarf that I specifically wore only in the winter around my neck like it was a snake. 

Shoving my hands into the pockets of my winter pants, I strolled through the thin snow. The bottom of my sneakers scraped the snow off the ground, making foot steps as I walked. I lightly scratched the side of my face.

When did I become so fucked up? Where did it all start?