Stupid Seconds *Sequel to TLF* (Luke & Jai Brooks Fanfic)

Chapter 4: That Should Be Me

* Jai’s POV *

“Maybe I'm over you. Maybe I've moved on. Maybe I like someone else. Or maybe I'm just a really good liar.”

Two months ago, I was still going out with Andi. We were still happy. I was still happy. She wasn’t just my best friend, but she was my girlfriend. But things got really messy. It shouldn’t have ended the way it was. I was hurting my brother, my twin brother.

For the first few months Andi and I were together, I was pretending I wasn’t hurting him. The look on his face shattered my heart when he finally spoke of his real feelings in front of everyone. He made me think, ‘Am I really happy? Is this what I really want?’ I never saw that side of him. I never saw him that upset.

And also for the first time, I saw how Andi reacted when she heard Luke. I knew she loves him. I knew that she chose me just because I was her best friend and she didn’t want to hurt me. Luke didn’t want to hurt me as well. They put their feelings aside just to make me happy even though it hurts them both. I was important for them.

It was hard to let go of someone you truly love. Some people would think I was crazy enough to do it. I was hurt. I was in pain when I finally had the courage to let them be together. I was scared that I’ll lose Andi as my best friend because I finally agreed that she can be with Luke. I should have let them be in the first place, and then maybe I wouldn’t be in deep pain.

I was still getting used to the fact that they were already dating. They didn’t date right off the bat when I told them too. They waited for a few weeks which were good for me. Andi respected the love that we had and I was glad that Luke would have her.

Finally, my relationship with Luke and Andi were going strong. I would rather have this kind of relationship with both of them than having one of them mad at me.

But I wasn’t giving up just yet. I was serious about getting her back if Luke ever hurt her.

Even though I have given up for now, and have given Luke the permission to have her, I still can’t remove the fact that I’m jealous. Justin Bieber’s song is kind of rubbing in my face but that’s how I feel right now.

“That should be me holding your hand. That should be me making you laugh. That should be me this is so sad. That should be me. That should be me. That should be me feeling your kiss. That should be me buying you gifts. This is so wrong. I can’t go on till you believe that that should be me.” I can’t help it. She’s all I ever wanted. She was my first serious love.

It’s been a month since the two have started dating. James, my guy best friend, said that I’m crazy that I still keep intact with her.  It’s hard. I always see her at home with Luke, and I still wanted to be her best friend. I still wanted to be with her even though it would be a bit different. No, it’s actually a whole lot different.

Seeing them very happy still brought tears into my eyes. The fact that she was once mine; I honestly felt I was too dumb to let her go. 

Everyone was just so happy the moment Luke and Andi finally started off their relationship. When it was me, no one was this excited. No one was happy for us that we were about to have our first, second, or even third month together. I was jealous at the attention Luke was getting.

And of course, Beau had found the right opportunity to make fun of every single time Luke and Andi were even mentioned. I knew that every time he teases me, he was only joking. But sometimes these jokes are painful. I have to admit, it still hurts.

Why can’t I be Luke? What was wrong with me? For once, I was happy and sad at the same time when I finally let go of Andi as a lover. I was happy because I know both Luke and Andi will be happy. I know that I finally did the right thing. But I was sad that it should have been me. It was already me and I let go of the opportunity. It was my own fault. I should have not done that. But would I be happy?

Whenever I’m alone in the room, I always find myself thinking about her, and what-not. The things I could have experienced with her were all clouding up my mind, making me want to smack myself in the head.

To tell you honestly, I have been controlling myself whenever she’s around. I wanted to cry out and tell her to come back to me. I wanted to, believe me. I wanted her to slap me and tell me that all this time I was just dreaming and that it was me who she still loves. It was me. It has always been me. But that was the biggest lie I could ever dream of.

Till now, I still remember the times she would come visit me. The times when we go out on a date. The times when she would hug me and assure me that she loves me. I remember how it felt when it was me. When she goes into the room and wakes me up or something, I remembered it all. I remembered how happy I was waking up to her smile and now I just gave that chance to Luke. I could have stopped it but I was too late.

Being miserable gives you more time to think about life. Having visions of Luke and Andi were one of them that keeps clouding up my brain whenever I felt lonely. If I didn’t let them be together, then all these won’t happen. It’s still gonna be me and Andi.

But who am I kidding? At some point, I was questioning Andi’s feelings towards me although I felt how much she loves me. I felt everything was real. I felt that she was also in tears every time I felt I had to cry. I felt that she loves me.

Every time I see them together, it was as if my heart goes on an alarm and gets jealous all over again. I wanted to yell and tell them to both shut up. I wanted to bang my head or do something that would make Andi worried about me. I wanted to be the only guy that Andi used to be worried about. I wanted to do anything to harm myself. I wanted to cry.

Memories in school started to smack me especially the time that we were in the cafeteria and I was upset. She started comforting me until I was better. That was the first time that I remembered I kissed her but I didn’t have the courage to tell her my real feelings. If only I told her right then and there, maybe she didn’t have to love Luke. Maybe it would have been me all along. If only…

But then again, I thought what if she rejected me. What if she said she didn’t really love me that much and then we wouldn’t even end up as friends? I couldn’t take that. I don’t know anymore which one is right, or which one was the best thing to do. But then again, it’s all too late now.

We’re still best friends. I’m just her best friend. I still can’t get over the fact that Luke and I are twins. So this isn’t physical? Andi loves Luke because of his personality. I wanted to know the difference between us twins. I wanted to know why she loves Luke more. But I was scared to find that out.

This morning as Luke and Andi was about to leave the house for their date, I heard Andi putting in first before Luke and that totally stunned me knowing there could still be times when Andi would pick me first.

It’s one of those rare times that Andi was overly concerned about me since she dated Luke. I missed the old times when it was still me. This was like the old times when I would get her attention more than Luke’s. I always think of that day when Luke went off and Andi found her. That day that I had to let her go so I can fix my relationship with Luke. It was sad, but if I didn’t do that, Luke and I would probably not be okay right now. I had to choose my brother over her.

It wasn’t her fault, I know that. It was mine. I broke up with her because I know that Luke will make her happier than I ever will. I wanted her to be with Luke if she can’t be with me.

“I can move on… I told Luke, I will come and get you back when he hurts you!”

And yes Andi, this is one promise I won’t forget.