I rewrote this chapter because I went back today and realized the final draft I originally had must've changed or something because Wattpad does the most 🙄, so that explains the confusion. And hopefully this makes MORE SENSE how it was supposed to be originally. Going to go back on a few chapters to revise and edit as well, be patient with me. Thanks for the love on it as well!
JAHANI.
Kalani- that was the name I had picked for my unborn daughter. A few days before the loss of our child I found out it was going to be a baby-girl. Nova had no intention of finding out the sex until further down the line but I was too antsy to wait around like her. Kalani fit with the personality I had hope of her having: bold, emotional depth and sarcasm. It meant something like the heavens, sky or something along those lines.
Tears fogged my vision as ill thoughts flooded my conscious. The cry of my phone ringing loudly in the dead silent library jerked me from my emotions. Nova' name flashed across the screen with a picture of her grinning from ear to ear, innocently, wide-eyed and genuinely happy. We both were at the time. Lately it felt like dead weight and desperation. Desperation of some kind of hope to rekindle what was before.
Allowing the call to go to voicemail as I flipped through the pages of the textbook that's words merged into one and were touched by my tears. "Fuck." I whimpered out, the gut-wrenching feel of sobs coming as my throat went dry and I broke down like weed on a tray. It lasted all of five minutes. Running a dry hand down my face, sighing heavily, shaking the weight off of my shoulders and exiting the library like nothing happened. My phone vibrated somewhere in my backpack but I didn't bother digging it out. Most likely Nova leaving a voicemail or text message. The last we've talked for more than five minutes has been awhile.
Tossing my book bag in the passenger seat while taking my phone out to see the flood of notifications. Three messages from Nova that I opened.
NOVYNOVS: You still coming over?
NOVYNOVS: If so, what you feel like eating? We could go and get something or I can make soemethjg
NOVYNOVS: something*
Replying back that I was feeling like eating some of her nachos before putting my phone on the auxiliary cord so that Tyler The Creator' Glitter resumed from where it previously had been playing as I got on the highway to go towards Detroit. Within an hour and fifteen minutes I was parking in front of the small powder blue house that's light was coming from the kitchen. Sighing heavily and chewing on my lips,"Damn." I took my key from the ignition, blinking the sleep from my eyes and grabbing my phone from the cupholder.
Every move I made almost went from my conscious as fast as it happened. Going up the driveway. Standing on the porch. Situating my clothes on my body. Checking if my hygiene was up to par. Knocking on the front door. Nova stepping aside to let me in. Greeting one another with a yearning hug and tired sigh. Connecting eyes and communicating deeper than our words would allow us. Noticing the difference in her hair. It all became a blur, my reality pacing in front of me, I wasn't me anymore.
We sat together, across from one another, at the table. Which was weird because we usually sat side by side on the couch with TV filling in the silence but it was different this time. Change that I subconsciously knew meant trouble. Nova slightly smiled as she talked about a project she started at her job. She worked at a non-profit youth coalition(if I didn't mention), the enjoyment she got of always being there to help others and empowering them I adored. Eventually she wanted to get into counseling in a school or office of some sort-working with children and adolescents.
I reached my hand out to move the strand of hair in her face, causing her lips to pause in movement and connect eyes with me. "Sorry." I mumbled, dropping my hand and stuffing my face with a Dorito loaded with toppings.
"You've been quiet all night, you good?" She furrowed her eyebrows and I quickly nodded-not wanting to burden her with the chips on my shoulders. Silence took over the ambience and suddenly I felt heartless, like my words, the lack of which were too harsh on her. That her mind was rotating with toxic thoughts that didn't align with my personal feelings towards her so I didn't know what caused my lips to configure the next string of words,"I don't wanna do this anymore." It was soft but I knew she heard it, by the fall in her expression and the confusion creasing at her beauty.
Looking up from burning a hole in the wooden table to meet her expressionless eyes,"The distance is pulling us apart--"
"You live an hour away--"
"I'm not talking about physical distance. Emotional distance is pulling us apart. Shits not the same anymore, Novs and ion know...j-just," I shakily exhaled while she scoffed, sucking her teeth.
I could feel the "I knew niggas wasn't shit" coming but instead a plate of nachos came towards my chest,"Is you dumb?" She was so mad, she was illiterate and clenching her fists like Arthur.
"Nah, I'm just saying why hold onto something that's dead," My choice of words were wrong by the way her eyes cut deeply into me. "We just need some space, we've both been through a lot this past year--"
"That's what communication is for, Jahani! You don't just give up when shit gets tough, how you think it's going to last?" Her veins began popping out her neck and she was clapping her hands loudly, sighing softly, running a hand down my face.
"Maybe I don't want the shit to last."
Nova chuckled,"You really got me tight right now maybe you need to go outside and catch some cool air because you're blowing me right now. Got me chopped," She stormed from the kitchen, knocking something over in the process.
The slam of her bedroom door I assumed sounded through the whole home. Getting up from the kitchen table to go down the dark hall, hearing her mumbling to herself and crying. "What did I do wrong?" Nothing. Absolutely nothing was the thing, I was the one who was fucked and couldn't hold onto her. She didn't deserve the outcome of wherever this downfall lead.
"Novs," I knocked softly at her door.
"I don't want you here," She sniffled, pain cracking her voice. My heart strings pulled at the sobs that left her room, turning the knob to let myself in the room seeing her continuously wiping her tears away for more to only stain her face.
"How you just going to leave me?" Nova shook violently and I neared her but she pushed me away with the side of her foot. "I fucking love you and I don't wanna be with anybody else, but if you see yourself being with someone besides me that's fucked." Not once did she lift her head to look me in the eye, my heart was pounding and head aching.
"My intention isn't to hurt you, Novs, I-I just can't...please don't do this to me," Nova kept the side of her face towards me as I now had been between her legs. "Can you look at me?"
"When I told you I love you I meant it. Don't do this to me." She clung tightly onto me and I almost broke down there. "I don't wanna experience life without you." Her bottom lip quivered as I untangled her limbs away from mine, kissing the top of her head soothingly, biting back my emotions as I let myself out of the small, powder blue house.
I'm a piece of shit. -Author's Note.
