JAHANI.
2 a.m.
I choked on the words I never said and drowned in the thoughts I never shared.
I have this bad habit of pushing people away when they get too close and thinking their always going to hurt me; because eventually they leave.
I have this bad habit of letting people believe I love them, when I don't even love myself back; and when they leave me my heart feels relieved but my soul feels like it was torn apart.
I have this bad habit of not caring for people, when they have no intention to hurt me. Perhaps, if they saw through my eyes they'll see the scars I have deep down inside.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I wish feelings didn't exist. If I don't allow them to exist in me I won't fall for everything and let it destroy me. It's my fault after all. Maybe that's why I pushed away the person that shared the same bad habits as me.
I could feel my face getting numb with regret. And I guess I'm a mess, or maybe I'm lonely or just bitter but I know my head's a storm and chest is empty. Music blared as I sharply inhaled the nicotine and felt my head grow dizzy.
Chaos surrounded me. My room a mess that it physically made me sick to think of cleaning it, dropping the empty Newport box into the trash can while I paced through the room with sweat beading on the tip of my wide nose. The lyrics of the radio became muffled as my own thoughts drove me to insanity. Screaming at the top of my lungs until my chest felt tight as I told myself,"I'm never gonna be alright. I'm a piece of shit a-and not...not worthy." I sobbed on the edge of the bed because walking didn't help with the drugs in my blood system.
Snorting the line of cocaine on the edge of the nightstand table before blinking the tears from my eyes. My head was pounding and heart was racing like a junkies.
Taking the 9mm from within the dresser beneath my socks and underwear. The weight in my palm caused me to stagger back to the edge of my bed as I straightened my slouched frame, catching my reflection in the bathroom mirror and seeing the gun pointed to my temple. Tears jerked down my cheeks uncontrollably as I grazed my finger over the trigger, a knock at the door interrupted my suicide attempt.
"Yo, Jahani! Open the door man I forgot my key." Cade said from the other side of the door, tuning out his voice as I closed my eyes and allowed my last breath to flow from between my lips when I squeezed the trigger.
Boom.
