Typing | e.d

CHAPTER 21

To Sam
Everything I couldn't tell you

-

My dear Sam,

Whassup Snow? Well, I'm not really good. Actually not good at all since the day I saw you making out with my brother. I got hurt that day Sam. I felt so jealous. I saw the girl I like on top of my own brother. Can you even imagine how that felt? I confess I cried. Yeah I did cry and I still do sometimes.

I'm not as tough as you think just because you used to call me a fuckboy. I'm actually really sensitive but I don't want people to know it. I want everyone to think of me as a bad boy. I only want you to know I have a sensitive side.

I know you think I hate you or something but no. I don't hate you Sam. How could I ever hate you? How could I ever use you? I lied that day because I wanted to hurt you, I wanted you to feel the way I felt when I saw you with my brother. But It was all lies.

I don't know why or how but every time I think about you, I feel my heart beating faster and I get this weird thing in my stomach that everyone calls butterflies. I never thought I could actually feel like this for a girl. Do I sound cliche? Oh yes I do.

You're probably wondering why I'm always so mean to you, am I right? Im gonna tell you the truth. You're never going to read this letter anyway and that's why I'm writing it.

I'm trying so hard to bury my feelings for you, so hard I think I'm gonna explode. I can't even talk about it to anyone, not even my own brother because guess what. He is your fucking boyfriend! I can't talk about it to any of my friends because they know you two are dating and guess who else knows about it. The entire internet!

What am I supposed to do Sam? Show my feelings to you? No, I can't, because if I do I'm afraid I won't be able to resist to you. I know you feel the same, I know you're trying hard to hate me, but by the way you're looking at me when I look away, I can tell you can't do it and I know this because I'm looking back at you from the corners of my eyes trying not to get caught. I can't even look at you in the eyes anymore because I know they never hide the truth. No matter how hard I try to be mean to you, every time I look at you in the eyes, I simply get lost in them.

If we confess our feelings to each other and we get  together and then someone finds out about us, I'm scared of what's going to happen to you. I mean it. I'm really scared. If fans find out about us somehow after they found out about you and Grayson, you have no idea how much hate you're going to have to deal with.

How am I supposed to live knowing you might do something bad to yourself after that? Because Sam trust me, I know what it feels like. I know what it feels like being hated. You feel useless and alone until the only thing you want is to give up by ending what you feel unworthy having. Life. How am i supposed to live knowing i caused this to you? I just don't want you to ever feel like this Sam because you deserve to smile my Snow and I love your smile so much. Every time you smile everything becomes brighter and I want to smile too.

I tried to bury my feelings for you by getting with Mary. I don't truly like her. She's such a nice person and I feel awful for fooling her. As much as I tried to develop feelings for her, I just can't.

At first I texted her because I wanted to make you jealous, but then I realized I was just trying to find you in her. What was I thinking? You're irreplaceable. Maybe I did it because you're best friends and I thought It would help me get over you. I tried but I failed. It's been months Sam and I can't get you off my mind, not even for a second.

I want you to know that It kills me seeing you with him, hugging him, kissing him. He doesn't care about you as much as I do. He doesn't treat you the way I would. Who do you think told him all these things about you? I did. I know everything about you Sam, not because I wanted to use them to get you in my bed but because I really care. It's your small habits that make me like you even more. To be honest, you make me want you in every way.

When we kissed, god that kiss was the death of me. A sweet destruction. The moment you pulled away I just wanted to grab you and kiss the hell out of your stupid gorgeous face and tell you everything, but I couldn't because you had already left. Then the snapchat video thing happened and everyone found out. But still nothing can change the fact that once your lips touched mine, I knew I was fucked.

I remember when I messaged you on twitter as Leslie. Exactly six months ago tomorrow, I saw you for the first time and you blew my mind. It has been six months since then and I just can't stop thinking that it should've been me. The one who was supposed to meet you that day next to the tree should've been me. The one who's supposed to hold you in his arms right now should be me. The one who's supposed to have the honor to have all of you should be me. Not him.

The music note necklace is yours. I wanted to give it to you the day we were going to meet. I'll probably give it to Grayson to give it to you instead because he's your boyfriend. I know this move will make you like him more and trust me, seeing you smiling then hugging him and kissing him when he gives it to you, will break my heart because I'll know I wasn't the one who made you smile. But I'll hide it as always.

I know it's going to be hard. I know it's going to be painful but I will forget you or at least I'll try to. Only for you would I go through all this pain Sam. But I guess if I care about you, I should let you go.

Yours truly,
Ethan

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After 21 chapters I can honestly say I'm incapable of writing short chapters lol. I hate long chapters but I always make them long.

Double update cause I love you.😍