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"HIT me again."
Raena threw another punch into the heavy gloves encasing Gerardo's hands, who had thankfully agreed to accompany her in a couple extra training sessions. She needed this; she needed to feel strong again.
It didn't take a full blown idiot to realize that her love for Kylo truly weakened her from the inside out. She couldn't function as herself anymore. She was too consumed by the darkness of his care that she wasn't training well or performing her missions accurately. It was taking over her life, and though she didn't know her lover was having the same problem, she needed control over her life as well.
Raena took a moment to wipe the sweat off her brow, giving Gerardo the perfect chance to hit her. In that instant, the assassin flew to the ground and slid a few feet on the mat. Her brow creased as she looked up to her friend laughing, causing her to shriek, "What the fuck, Gerardo?"
"Sorry, sorry," he chuckled. "It was just the perfect moment."
But what Gerardo hadn't noticed as he laughed was that the blonde was already up on her feet, sprinting towards his distracted figure. Before he could register her presence, she rammed her bandaged knuckles into his nose, sending him to the padded floor. The sight of the blood gushing from his nose only made her feel slightly guilty, but also struck her to relive flashbacks from training with uncle so long ago, where she had been in Gerardo's place.
In that moment, she hadn't missed the bounty hunter life at all.
"Sorry," she repeated in an exaggerated tone, putting her hands on her hips, "it was just the perfect moment."
Gerardo stood, holding his possibly broken nose. "Can we stop now? I'm pretty sure I need a medic for this."
She nodded, already unwrapping her bruised hands and pulling off his own gloves in the process. She guided him to the medical wing, feeling her limbs tighten and strengthen within her body. Maybe it had been the training, or maybe it had been the sight of Gerardo's bloody nose – all she knew was that she suddenly felt stronger.
Gerardo's fingers prodded at his nose. "You know, you've got a mean punch, Officer Nhagy."
"I've been told."
•••
After allowing an occasionally flirty nurse bandage Gerardo's nose, though he was clearly not interested, Raena decided to walk with him to grab a bite to eat in the dining hall. She was surprised at how much she had taken a liking to the cadet. It wasn't everyday that she trusted someone enough to befriend them, especially anyone in the First Order. But Gerardo was different, and she couldn't help feeling comfortable near him.
The duo dropped their trays on the table located in the back, a normal spot for Raena to sit alone, but this time she was willing to share. They were both quiet for a while, simply enjoying the presence of each other while chewing on their food: a regular sandwich in Raena's hands and a forkful of lavish greens in Gerardo's.
The cadet rubbed the napkin on his mouth before speaking up, "So what's with all this extra training anyways?" He took another bite of his salad. "You never really gave me a reason."
She raised a brow. "Does there need to be a reason?"
"I figured it had something to do with the latest mission you almost botched on Corellia."
She rolled her eyes, knowing that everyone somehow found out of her closest failure yet that ensued just a week ago. General Hux had ordered her and a few troopers to return to Corellia to investigate the family with the hidden blue prints for a new Resistance base, because he had been so sure they had them on their property. She didn't understand what happened to her, but she almost couldn't kill the man Hux ordered her to. The struggle she went through on that damn planet made her go insane, wondering exactly the reason why.
"That's a good guess," she finally muttered.
Gerardo rested his chin on his fist. "Did you want to talk about it?"
Raena began picking out a piece of lettuce from her sandwich as she then shrugged. "I don't understand what happened to me. I almost couldn't kill that civilian, but when I did, I felt myself wanting to cry as his wife and children mourned the man's body while soaking in his blood."
"That's terrifying," the cadet replied, making a disgusted expression.
"As I struggled with whether to actually fulfill my duties or not, my mind kept reverting to how everything would go down. He wouldn't be able to love his wife or children any longer; he'd just be another set of bones to lay to rest." Raena set her sandwich down, suddenly not hungry at the memory of the civilian's blood on her hands. "The family aspect of his life just ... I don't know, fucked me up."
Gerardo then sighed dreamily, "Speaking of love," he continued, "I must tell you about Pacey."
If there was anything that Gerardo did extremely well, it was changing the subject.
As he went on about the multiple occasions that he had kissed Pacey in the gym bathroom, Raena found herself drifting back to the memory on Corellia, remembering the fearful look in the man's eyes. She hadn't wanted to blame anyone but herself, though she knew that the main reason she couldn't kill him at first was because of her newfound love for Kylo. It was impossible, but she imagined her and him in the family's place, screaming at the intruder for mercy, and Raena soon bathing in Kylo's blood as it poured from his lifeless chest.
"Are you even listening?"
The assassin blinked a few times, mumbling, "Huh?"
"I asked you if you had anyone in your own love life at the moment." Gerardo snapped with a roll of his eyes.
Raena only shrugged.
"Oh, come on." The cadet shook his head. "You're one of the very few ... mildly pretty females on this ship, and that's coming from me."
She never knew how well she could lie through gritted teeth until she started to care for their own commander, and found it so easily appealing as it progressed. "No one interests me," she lied.
"You need to work on that," he shook his head. "I can't just continuously sit here with you and tell you about Pacey for you to give me no juicy details in return." Gerardo watched his superior ignore him, spotting the sudden flush of red on her cheeks. "That blush tells me everything is a lie."
Raena smiled for a split second before returning to her usual frown. "Would I lie to you?"
"Yes."
She shook her head, letting out a soft chuckle as she replied, "There's no one. The only thing I could ever be loyal to is the First Order."
