Sa Isang Sulyap

Ika-dalawampu't Siyam na Sulyap

Ika-dalawampu't Siyam na Sulyap

People left me. Especially the ones I love. Mahirap maging ganito kasama lalo na kung hindi mo naman talaga ginagawa. Maybe I'm just wrapped up by worries. I'm worried that this might happen again someday. Na lahat na lang ng taong natitira sa'kin. Mawawala. Aalis.

I'm afraid being alone.

I know I am losing control of myself. But still, there's this guilt inside me that I want to hide. Hide to all of this victory I am having right now. Konti na lang naman. Konti na lang then I'm going to be satisfied to all these things I have. Maiganti ko lang si tatay. I'll be fine. I'll shut my mouth and disappear from this world like I did not even exist.

My broken heart fired me up to do this. Pero hanggang kailan?

Hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito kasama? Maybe Nico's right. I'm a monster.

But he made me to be like this. Maybe if I let him recall what he did baka pati iyon nasa forgotten area na ng utak niya.

"Hey. Sorry I'm late." Nakangiti kong bungad kay Erick. May usapan kaming magkikita ngayon dito sa Waterland Park. Nagyaya rin ako to remove my stress out. I can't properly sleep these days dahil na rin sa dami ng ginagawa plus those revenge plans I have. I need to finish this smoothly.

"It's okay. I just got here not for too long." Ngumiti ako saka ako nagsimulang maglakad. I wear my shawl para na rin kapag nilamig ako hindi ko na maabala pa si Erick.

"Everything's fine?" tanong niya sa'kin. Nilingon ko siya at naabutan ko siyang nakatingin sa'kin. He has this concerned face habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko. Umiling ako't iniiwas ko na yung tingin sa kanya't ibinaling sa harap ng dagat yung paningin ko.

"Everything's fine Erick. I'm just tired of doing such things na hindi ko alam kung makakaya ko pang gawin." He chuckled. Inakbayan niya ko before pulling me closer to his side.

"Sinabi ko naman sa'yo una pa lang. If you can't do it, it might be best for you to stop all of these. Hangga't maaga Summer. Hangga't wala ka pang natatapakang tao." Umiling ako saka ako yumukod para tignan yung sinisipa kong mga buhangin.

"I want to watch the light goes out. I want to see them begging for my forgiveness and begging for my attention. They never thought I could do this. Why? Because I know, they know that I can't. If I'm going to stop this. Gusto ko..yung tapos na. Magiging panatag ako ron." We stopped by the seashore. Hindi kami nagsasalita. Maybe watching the sun sets can make me feel good. Kaya siguro ako nagyaya.

"Mapapanatag ka ba talaga Summer kapag natapos mo lahat ng 'to?" I hesitantly look at him. As if it's taking my soul by doing that saka ako ngumiti. He still cares for me, or worse baka mahal niya pa ko. Pero anong magagawa ko? I want to love him back. Pero iisang tao pa rin yung isinisigaw ng puso ko. It's my greatest mistake.

"I'll be fine Erick. You're just worried. Na baka in the end I'll regret all of this." Humugot ako ng malalim na buntong hininga. Palubog na rin yung araw saka ako pumikit at ngumiti.

"I won't regret this. They killed my father. Kinuha nila lahat sa'kin. As if they're just doing it for fun." May namuong bikig sa lalamunan ko. Hinayaan ko ring maglandas yung luha sa pisngi ko. Pero hindi ko pa rin idinidilat yung mga mata ko. Baka sakaling pag dumilat ako kasi ang kasama ko pala.

Si tatay.

"You miss him, don't you?" tumango ako saka ako malungkot na napangiti.

"There's no single day that I didn't. Sana kasi binigyan ako ng pagkakataon non na magpaalam sa kanya. Sana nalaman ko. Na yung umaga pa lang 'yon. 'yun na yung huling pagkakakita ko sa kanya. I hated myself for that Erick. Pakiramdam ko I didn't do anything just to save him from those people. Sana hanggang ngayon, kasama ko siya.." naramdaman kong lumipat siya sa harap ko. He used his thumb to wipe my tears saka niya ko niyakap.