Blanca Like Snow

Bonus content: Shattering

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Shattering
Will's POV

It keeps playing in my head, over and over again. I see Blanca falling into the river while I push my body to run faster, to get there but I can't. She falls, the woman--who, later, I learn is Blanca's stepmother--escapes and Blanca, my Blanca, is nowhere to be seen.

I've never felt like my whole body was made of steel and it was alien to me. I couldn't move, I looked around the dark waters but she wasn't there. She was nowhere and the deafening beat of my heart didn't allow me to hear anything, or even think. I only felt panic that I was too late and didn't know what to do, how to get her back.

And then Nora is jumping. My mind recalls the moment vividly how she, without losing her cool, just shover her phone, barked instructions and jumped after Blanca.

She did that, not me. She thought. She acted. I stayed frozen. I didn't even call the police right away, it took me a while, I kept watching Nora swimming down the stream following the drone. Only then I dialled and called for an ambulance and the police, while my feet where still stuck to the ground.

I can't stop replaying that moment where Nora just jumped after Blanca, without wasting a breath and found Blanca. Nora brought Blanca back to us because she didn't let her panic make her useless. Like it did to me.

All my life I thought I was brave, that I was a fighter. How many times did I hear people complimenting me for that? For never giving up even if I knew the fight was impossible, still knowing that I was in no way going to fix the world. I believed it, that I would do anything for anyone who needed my help. But the moment Blanca needed me the most, I was frozen.

I couldn't do anything for her.

How can I even think of helping others when I couldn't move when the woman I'm in love with fell in the river after being attacked so brutally?

The shame that consumes me for being a coward at that moment, for being a useless idiot stops me every time I want to open that door and see her. I know she's all right, I've talked to the doctors way too many times, to Nora too. But I can't see her, I can't meet her eyes when I know I've failed her. And if I failed her, someone who has become so important to me, who am I to want to help others?

I never understood what paralysing fear was until I saw her falling.

"Will," someone calls and when I look up, I find Nora. I haven't moved much lately, sunk in a crouch next to Blanca's door, with my head between my knees and arms around my legs. 

I can't stop being pathetic. 

"Is Blanca okay?" I asks, my voice hoarse and feeble.

"She's a lot better, almost totally like herself. The doctors say she can leave in two or three days," Nora replies and I take a deep breath, relieved Blanca is doing well. "Why are you here like this?" the girl asks next when I start to curl into myself again, trying to hide and disappear.

"I know I was useless, but I can't just... I need to be here at least."

"You weren't useless, Will," Nora refutes and I can't help my snort and roll of eyes at her words.

"You were the one who saved her. What did I do?" I snap, not angry at her but myself. Hating myself for being so incompetent.

Blanca always said I was a dreamer and I needed a bit of reality check. She was so right. What is optimism? What can it do for anyone? My good intentions and optimism didn't save Blanca. All my good intentions are nothing if I can't make them real, if I can't act on them.

"When Blanca disappeared you were the one who remembered the drone. Without that we wouldn't have found her. We wouldn't have saved her. I didn't think of that, I was about to have a panic attack because I didn't know where to begin," Nora reminds me and I can't say anything, I just clench my fists as I listen to her. "Once we had somewhere to begin I just shut down and kept running, following you. Fine, I jumped, but not because I thought about it, I wasn't thinking. I just jumped. I could've ended up dead instead of helping Blanca at all. And even then, if you hadn't remembered the drone, I couldn't have done anything at all."

Even if Nora is trying to comfort me, it doesn't work. I still feel useless.

"Will, it wasn't me who saved Blanca. It was us. You and I together managed to act fast, and thanks to that we weren't too late. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't jump after her," she insists, crouching down to be at my level. "Blanca needs you now, too. And you need her."

"How can I look at her in the eyes when I--"

"You can't do it all!" Nora cuts me in, sounding angry for the first time since I met her. "You're not the knight in shiny armour who comes to save the day. You can't do it all on your own! Goddammit, don't be proud and accept you did your part and I did mine and even that doesn't matter, because what matters the most is that Blanca is safe inside! Does it matter who jumped after her? Does it really? Isn't more important that she is with us now? But you're here, hiding because your pride is hurt?"

"It's not my pride," I try to argue, but it's a weak complaint. My pride is hurt, and with it all I believe in is shattering because I can't trust myself anymore. I failed. I feel incompetent. 

"Then what is more important than being by Blanca's side right now? After she was almost killed, again. Tell me, William. What is more important than that?" 

I clench my fists so tight my nails dig in my palms, but that pain is nothing compared to all my doubts, my self-loathing and the insecurities that are drowning me.

My eyes meet Nora's and I can see her stern and practical stare boring into my skull, trying to make me snap out of my own existential crisis and start moving. But I feel like I'm still frozen on that bridge.

"Blanca still needs us. We'll go back to London and face Laura, even if we don't have concrete evidence because we can't hide anymore. She found us and we have to fight now. Maybe I'm asking too much of you, maybe I'm being too selfish and shameless for this, but can't you put this behind and just stand by her side?" Her eyes become softer, pleading and I feel a lump in my throat. "I'm afraid I won't be enough to support her on this."

I look down, taking deep breaths and trying to collect my thoughts, pull myself together. Blanca is leaving, soon, back to where she belongs. Do I even have a place next to her there? Am I even worth it after failing her like this? I know Nora said I helped by remembering the drone, but that can't compare with wha she did. What did a drone do but just point us in a direction? Just logic would've worked to know they left in the opposite direction we came from. Away from town. What can do a drone but following us and record what was happening...

Record. The drone was recording our trip.

"The drone!" I shout, my mind spinning already and my eyes wide as I stare back at Nora, but she looks confused. "The drone! Don't you see? That's the evidence we need. It must have got some footage of the attack."

Nora's expression changes from worried and pitying to understanding and excited. She finally gets what I'm saying and jumps to her feet.

"I had completely forgotten about that! Of course, that's our evidence. How couldn't I think of that. Will, you're a genius!" the girl screams, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me in her euphoria. "I'll go get the drone and check the footage."

"I can--"

"No," she interrupts me again, serious. "You go inside and talk to Blanca, because she's worried about you and because you need to stop moping here. Can't you see how much you're helping her? In ways I fail. Will, you're not useless, you help her in other ways that she also need. Now please, go inside and talk to her. Properly," Nora requests and this time, just briefly, I believe her. I can feel her honesty when she says I'm helping, that I didn't fail Blanca. Not fully, at least. "Go."

I nod my head and see her smile as I stand up. She nods in return and then turns on her heels and runs away, probably to get the drone and check the recording. I stand next to Blanca's door, taking deep breaths and trying to push my own disappointment and shame to the back of my mind.

I just hope she doesn't look at me again with such hurt in her eyes.