Blanca Like Snow

Chapter 40 - Failure

      After Clarisse and the girls are gone, it's only Nora and I. I insist she gets in bed with me because her proximity is the most soothing thing and listening to her heartbeat is more helpful than my train of thoughts. But she can't stay for much. She wants to call Louise and talk to the doctors in order to organise our arrival back to London better.

It feels weird, knowing that in a few days, perhaps a week, I'll be back home and all what happened here... will stay here. My time in the Dream House will be nothing but a fond memory. I asked Nora when she thinks we'll be able to pay a visit, and with pain swirling in her eyes, she replied that there would be a long way before we could come back here, even for a short visit. There's just so much to do, it's basically starting all over again and even if I've prepared my whole life for this, it's still intimidating.

Being alone in my room doesn't feel nice, because the whiteness and emptiness of it is most suffocating. I miss our shared room in the Dream House, the sound of the kids playing and being loud. I miss the sounds that come from an old house, like wood cracking in the middle of the night or the old pipes running.

I'm really growing to hate hospitals.

Hence, I'm very grateful when the door opens again. I expect to see Nora there but instead it's Will, looking awkward and uncomfortable, fidgeting with his hands and his eyes on the floor. My heart leaps at the sight and the fact he came in on his own will and not because I called for him.

"Guillermo!" I call as cheerfully as possible, almost stepping out of my bed to get to him as he is not moving.

At that he looks up with an expression that can be only described as surprised, his lips slightly parted but the fact he meets my eyes makes me bubbly with excitement.

Naturally, I raise my hand and hold it up for him, calling him to approach, begging him. I know he's been struggling, even if he hasn't said a word. I see it in his eyes, the pain and remorse he's feeling, I see what I failed to notice before because I was too blinded in my own pain and frustration. I see how his own agony has drained him leaved a shadow of the bright and hopefully boy I've grown so fond of.

His steps are hesitant, but he approaches and with every one my heart beats stronger, louder. Until he's finally in my reach and I can grab his hand in mine, feeling so reassured once he's here.

"I'm glad you came in," I whisper, closing my eyes as I bring his hand closer, pressing his knuckles against my cheek and finally placing a soft kiss on them as I look up to meet his surprised eyes. "You've taken a while."

"I was— I—" he mumbles incoherently, so I just smile.

"I know," comes my reassurance. My thumb runs over his fingers, hoping he can feel a bit of warmth because he's so cold right now. "I'm sorry I was so harsh before but I was just waking up and well, I guess you can understand."

"No, it's me who's sorry!" he exclaims then, reacting to my apology quite strongly. "I... know... I know I shouldn't have stayed outside but I was... so ashamed. I try not to blame myself for what happened, but I can only see you falling and how I didn't do anything to save you."

I want to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, I don't blame him for not being a crazy idiot and jumping after me, putting his life in risk. Nora did it, but we've been there for each other for so many years, it's not like we think when it comes to helping the other, it come naturally like breathing. With will we're just developing our relationship.

But as much as I want to tell him that, I'm sure it'll be useless. Me telling him he did well and the best he could won't banish the guilt, it won't do anything so he can't stop blaming himself and start looking like himself again.