Flaws

Chapter 33 - Distorted Views

"Distracted from distraction by distraction." - T. S. Eliot

It was coming up on two weeks since Hazel had been rescued but those closest to her struggled to see much improvement. She was withdrawn and her appetite had all but disappeared but it was much more than the craving and trauma that plagued her.

"Hey," Tara smiled as she greeted Hazel. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," she shrugged. Honestly, Hazel hated herself, she hated she had, even if in just a small way, turned into her mother. "Second results back yet?"

"You're all clear," Tara was happy to announce. "Did you tell Chibs, Hazel?"

"No," Hazel said adamantly. The guilt weighed heavily on her. "I don't want him to feel any type of way when he sees me. The way I feel when I look at myself in the mirror."

Tara sighed and shook her head. "Hazel, Chibs loves you; I can see it, Jax can see it.

Allowing herself a little smile Hazel looked away and shook her head. "Yeah, until he hears all this shit. I distinctly remember enjoying the high, it was the comedown and the forced injections I despised but when I was high, fuck Tara, it was amazing."

It made sense, of course, but Tata was shocked to hear it and her expression told Hazel as much. "Well, I think what matters is that you fought it and how you felt when you were sober."

"I still wanted it but I knew I shouldn't." It felt like a complete contradiction which made her mental and physical recovery that much harder. "I wasn't scared or hurting, I just," Hazel trailed off.

"I think you should talk to someone," Tara finally managed to say. "I can't...this is beyond me Hazel. You need help and I'm not capable of giving you want you need."

"Nah, I'm good," she forced a laugh. "I'll get over it."

"Get over it?" The reaction, one of shock and disbelief, actually made Hazel feel better. "You were drugged and raped an-"

"I was not raped," Hazel said with force. "I wanted that. I wanted that guy, Tara. Now I regret it, now I know it was just the X but then, then all I wanted was to party and fuck. How's he gonna feel knowing that? Seeing them again and knowing they all heard about his girl fucking their friend? He's going to hate me."

"That's not," Tara closed her eyes. "Look, you need help. You need a therapist."

"I need to sleep," Hazel rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the good news."

"With the anti-viral meds and the two clean tests I think you'll be safe from HIV but you should come in and I'll test you again in six weeks."

"Oh great," Hazel held in her tears as she walked toward the bedroom. "Lock it on your way out please."

--

"Lunch." Violet said with a crooked smile as their food was served. "I've really enjoyed hanging out again."

With a reserved smile, still guarding himself from another flighty whim, Trevor agreed but without much enthusiasm. "It's been pretty fun."

"How's work stuff?" She asked, swallowing the first bite of her lunch. "I know you can't tell me much but in general."

"I took a lot of shit for the whole Pope thing but it's fine," he shrugged. "Same type of shit."

"Different day?" She was trying to make him laugh, to keep everything upbeat and Trevor knew it. "I was going to say something like same knees different day but you don't break knees really and if you did it wouldn't be the same ones every day."