august 22nd, 2016
i am nothing, but a cloud. i'm mixed feelings that puff out and around, chasing everything down with an "i'm sorry" and coming after myself with "you weren't ready".
in reality? you lost, because you weren't quick enough to let go of your foolish feelings. you were so entranced by being in love, that you forgot to LET GO. you never listened to yourself, you never listened deep down inside. why? because you didn't like that you were a coward. a fearful small and hopeless coward.
it's funny how everything i write about myself becomes third person. like i'll somehow listen to my own advice now that i'm lying dead on the ground. i'll go on with third person, anyhow.
you let someone go who loved you. they really did. if they didn't, well then they were getting there. you meant so much to them, and you just let them slide between your fingers like sand. they're gone, now. because of you. because of a coward. because of me.
you always do this. you have a heart large enough to forgive the universe. will you? when should forgiveness fail? you struggle with yourself in this. when is it okay to wish harmful things for someone? when they take away lives? is it then that you can say, "pay for what you did"?
i don't know what you should be anymore. everything i once knew is out the door. good luck trying to find your way out of this maze. you were never good under pressure, anyway.
