october 30th, 2016
even if i were to be there, i wouldn't have fit in. there's a certain air these people have, that i am lacking. i always have. i am not a part of that crowd. their boisterous parties and their foolish games find me wonder-struck in fear and question. their laughs make it seem as if i'm the subject they're giggling at, and in my head i know that's absurd... but not truly. not when i've given them everything to point to with their hands raised up and their eyes on fire with disgust. i have never been part of that crowd. i feel like i've never wanted to try. for i knew that i'd never be them. the ones who can laugh without fear, and kiss without feeling. i've never been one to hide my intense heart. how can a game be played, without including it? a muscle deep within my chest, pumping deep red and euphoria to my brain-- all my senses gripping onto myself. trying to save from being called an
idiot.
outsider.
but that's all i am. don't you see? i've never been able to be not-me. although i wish i could. i have trouble fitting in. the more i try, the more it's a sin.
