september 6th, 2016
i need to change. i may seem sweet, i may seem nice, and in fact, both of those words are ones people have complimented me with.
but even i get angry.
and when i get angry, i get pissed. i start yelling and screaming and mentally pounding my fists. i try to make you understand that what you did hurt me. and maybe you see, but i don't think you do. i just think that maybe, i'm the one who knows everything. not you.
i'm sorry that i yell at you and give you bad names. i'm sorry that my anger and hurt feelings translates to "too serious" of a thing. i'm sorry that i don't know how to translate my hurt without tearing you apart. i'm sorry. i hate that i am that way, and i swear i'm going to change.
some people leave me. and sometimes, it doesn't matter. i feel alright; they weren't my closest friends anyway. but when they're my favorite, and when i trusted them beyond belief, it hurts so much to get slapped in the face, and treated like i mean nothing.
i sit there thinking that maybe i did something wrong to deserve your hateful mind and horrid betrayal. but, i come up empty handed. and here hell is for you, soon after.
i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i am a terrible person who can't control their feelings. it hurts me and kills me inside to see you now, and your friends full of hateful pride that i'm out of your life. like i never should have been, anyway. and maybe they're right. maybe i shouldn't have been. maybe you should have walked away months ago, but instead you chose to stay. even i left and kept coming back. but you? you ended it all. and i don't know if that makes me happy, or sad. i think in fact, it makes me angry to know that you think you did nothing wrong. like somehow stabbing me in the back was a friendly gesture. but even so-- i should have responded with kindness, instead of turning my back on you.
because it's true. it was only to get even.
