august 31st, 2016
i am incredibly anxious. it's like i'm in a canoe, just paddling along the river. i haven't seen a map, but i've heard the stories people tell. the ones about the waterfall and horrendous rapids. i vaguely remember someone telling me which way to turn, but when? now i'm just doomed for a terrible fate.
i hate how much weight i put on my shoulders. i despise the look i get in my eyes when people mock me-- or at least when i think they do. i can't stand the feeling that bubbles up in my stomach when i see someone i hate, thinking they hate me more than i hate them, and knowing their hate is more valid than mine.
i'm so nervous for the upcoming school year. i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know where i'm going. i have no clue as to who i'll see daily. my future is undecided and scribbled all over with teachers' markers. "YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING OR WHAT YOU WANT TO BE DOING. EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE TODAY WILL AFFECT YOUR LIFE SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE AND---"
stop. please, stop.
i hate how much i care about the way people view me. will i be pretty this year? in which ways will i embarrass myself now? will i have to talk in front of the class, or speak french to that one person i like? will i make a mistake, how about the things i'll say? will people see me and think "God she's ugly"? will people hate me or think my feelings are silly and stupid? they'll laugh at my face, probably. i know they will.
