Fade to Black (sequel to riptide)

Part 40

It's the day of the show an dim nervous as hell. I don't know why but this performance in particular is making me nervous. We have a few things lined up that are making me extra extra nervous. Jackson wants me to sing with him without the girls who are egging me on to do it. I don't want to do it because that's nerve wracking and i don't want the backlash like Camila got. I don't know if I can handle it as well as she did. Also Jackson briefly told Atians parents about my past very briefly and hey want me to tell my story because everyone who is under their foundation receiving aid will be there. They want them to be inspired by my story. Also were singing a song I wrote that means a lot to me called 24/7. I'm super nervous.
"Hey you guys is there anything we can do to help?" Sydney asks with Sandy and Stella by her side.
"Who they?" Dinah asks. Ally slaps her arm.
"Ow Alz it was just a damn question." She slaps her arm again.
"Watch your language God is watching."
"Ok got it, got it."
I chuckle at my stupid friends.
"Ladies this is Stella and Sandy and that little one is Maggie. You already know Sydney. And guys these are my band mates Dinah, ally, Normani, and Camila."
"So nice to meet you girls." Stella smiles.
"You guys too. Oh my gosh look at this little one she's just the cutest." Mani says waving at Maggie.
"Oh my gosh your Camila Cabello." Maggie says pointing at Camila. She smiles at the little girl.
"Yes I am sweetheart."
"You're shawns girlfriend." Camila's smile faltered slightly but she recovered.
"No sweetie we are just good friends."
"Oh ok." I walked over to wear Ally previously was and started doing my makeup shakily. I look at my wrists and see the scars and then turn to the side seeing the razor Dinah was using to shave earlier. I hold my wrist running it and eyeing the razor shaking my head thinking about what I used to do to myself. The ways I use to hurt myself. Dinah comes by and grabs the razor putting it up then walks over to me.
"You ok Laur?"
"Yeah yeah I'm fine. J...just nervous."
"What's making you so nervous."
"Telling my story."
"Why you told it on the radio."
"Well this time I'm telling everything. I'm telling about the abuse and the bullying, the pills, the cutting, the first attempt, the second attempt, how long it took to stop cutting. Still looking at my scars and razors and blades and feeling that feeling again but knowing that it's not worth it. The effect it had on my body. Dinah I'm scared shirtless to let that many people into my past. To admit it out loud to thousands not to mention the millions who will watch this online. This is terrifying." I start to shake having a panic attack. My breathing becomes difficult and I start to cry slightly. Dinah wraps her arms around and tries to calm me down.
"Hey it's ok you're doing this to help people so they know they're not alone. This is good. No one will judge and if they do then they're dealing with something inside." I nod. Once I calm down I wipe my eyes and start putting on my makeup. It takes a while for me to be completely ok but I start to calm down and realize he reasons for doing this. Of course Dinah ran to go tell Jackson so he stopped in.
"Are you ok?" He asks me kneeling beside where I was sitting.
"I'm fine. It was just my anxiety taking control. I'm fine now though."
"Ok that's good. Do you want me to stay with you?"
"No no I'm good go get ready. I'll be fine."
"Ok call me if you need a pep talk or something."
"I will thanks babe." I peck his lips and he goes off on his way. It gets closer to showtime and I get more nervous but also more comfortable with the idea of sharing my life story. I don't know how people will perceive me afterwards.
"Alright girls good luck." Sydney said before heading into the crowd with Toby in her arms. Stella, Sandy, and Maggie behind her. Emily and fucking Tabitha were in the crowd. She still hates me I don't get it. The boys wished us luck before heading out but Dax walked backwards and stood next to Camila.
"Hey girl. Imma see you after right?"
"You wish." She said putting a hand in front of his face. He gave up and walked off into the crowd leaving us giggling. Our usual intro for the 7/27 tour played with impossible and everything then we started that's my girl. We then went into Miss Movin On followed by, sledgehammer, write on me, I lied, no way, we know, dope. Then a little pause.
We start ex's and oh's and I swear when my part came the whole audience got quiet.
"Here we go Lauren about to slay it!"
"Kill it Lauren." Camila and Dinah praise me before I start.
"One two three
they're gonna run back to me.
Climbing over mountains
and a setting over seas.
One two three
they're gonna run back to me.
They always want to come
but they never wanna leave.
My ex's...."
The cheers exploded when I finished. We followed that with squeeze, big bad wolf, boss, not that kinda girl, all in my head flex, bravehonest beautiful acoustic, voicemail/worth it, and finally work from home. I had fun dancing and singing watch everybody jam out in the crowd and have a good time. Once we finished everything quieted down again and we grabbed our stools back to sit on. I sat in the middle and the girls filled in around me with Dinah and Mani on either side of me. I could tell people were confused.
"Hey guys. Thank you for coming out tonight. How many of y'all are from Australia?" A lot screamed.
"How many of y'all flew in to see us and Jackson?" Much more screamed.
"How many harmonizers we got?" Almost the entire stadiums screamed.
"How many of the JD Kings we got here." Again almost the entire stadium.
"That's great so..." They kept cheering so Dinah shushed them and got them to quiet down.
"So we are here tonight and so happy to be here to support the Arian Reed Suicide Prevention foundation. So your ticket sales and all of that don't go to us or Jackson or anyone above they go straight to that foundation for such a wonderful cause. I didn't know Arian personally but every person I talk to says he had a huge and positive impact on their lives even before his passing. That's so wonderful to hear that he impacted all of these people in such a positive way. He left a mark that won't be erased even with his own struggles. It's really great." I say then take a deep breath before saying what I wanted to next.
"This cause means a lot to me personally so I will be donating $20,000 to the Arian Reed Foundation." They all clapped.
"I want to share a story with you. In 2007 I woke up in the middle of the night and a relative of mine was awake as well drunk out of his mind. Super cloudy, and super angry. I left to go to the bathroom but as I returned to my room he grabbed me and pulled me away. He beat me then sent me back to bed. That was the first day of 5 years in and off that I was abused by this man until it got to a point that I was old enough and he realized the error of his ways and got help. I would come out with bruises and scars all over my body to the point I wore jeans, sweatshirts and long sleeved shirts all year round. Torturous in the Miami Heat. I didn't go to the beach or the pool and I never exposed any flesh on my body. In 2011 I found a man or more a boy who loved me a lot. I think at least I knew I loved him. He was the best thing to happen in my life since the day the abuse began and he was a light in my life. He made me happy and he made me smile and forget about everything wrong with my life. One day he snapped he flipped a switch in his brain and the love he had for me became emotionally abusive. He would call me fat, ugly, slut, whore, every possible thing he could say to offend me. I eventually began to believe his words and internalize them believing myself to be an ugly fat worthless slut. At that point in time I was not a virgin unfortunately thanks to peer pressure and bad judgement. One night this so called boyfriend wanted to have sex with me. I didn't want to have sex with him. He didn't like that so he took me by my wrists into his bedroom and r...raped me." I try to keep in my tears as I cover my mouth the memories flashing in my mind. The crowd was supportive. I contained myself and continued. "I got home and I felt completely violated and it felt like everything was taken from me. I could feel his hand on my neck choking me hard. He left marks on my body like tattoos and I could see them no matter how faint. I showered so many times to try and get the feeling of him off of me. He was my boyfriend but what he did made me feel so dirty. Not only that I felt that it was my fault. I stayed when I knew he was angry all of the time and mistreated me although it didn't seem to bad because I loved him. I was the one who refused to give him my body so it's my fault. I went to my bathroom trying to continue my day as if nothing happened so no one would get tipped off. I went to my bathroom to shave, something many teenagers do. I was shaking so much I dropped the razor. It broke revealing the blade that is responsible for those sliced hairs. I took the blade and everything up to clean up my mess. I stared at the blade then I brought it to my wrist and cut across my skin. It was like my pain went away with the cut on my skin. Like the outside now matched the inside the way I felt broken in side injured, hurt. Like I was bleeding from within my body. It was almost like I was punishing myself for what happened to be. Soon the cutting became a habit almost an addiction. An addiction to the release it provided me. I stayed in a relationship with my rapist because I was afraid of what he might do to me if I broke up with him. One day he cheated on me and I caught him and he then broke up with me as if that was my fault too. In 2012 I auditioned for the American X factor for a chance to follow my dreams and I ended up in a group with these amazing ladies. The night after my audition the entire family got together to celebrate the fact that I even went out for X factor regardless of the outcomes going forward. The relative who had abused me was there and after everybody left or went on to do better things he in his drunken state took me into a back room and beat me again for the first time in 2 whole years. That night I went up to my brothers room who had just broken his wrist. I took his painkillers and went into my bathroom. I took too many than I should of. That night a friend of mine a boy I liked came over to congratulate me I guess and forced me to puke up the pills saving my life. We dated because he was my hero. He cheated on me and got caught so I broke up with him. I finished the X factor with these ladies in third place and we got our start. The fame, the industry, the business it was a load of bull. It was great and all to do what I loved and be successful but nobody warned me about the relentless and endless cyber bullying. Or that people would say horrible things to me in meet and greets when the others weren't looking. Nobody told me that and it hurt a lot. Then my grandma died. The one person in my life who was an inspiration and my hope. I was living for her. I was still cutting but now with the media in less conspicuous places. My hips, my stomach, thighs. I went through a miserable time. More miserable than I had been in a very long time. The girls bless their souls hadn't noticed anything was wrong and assumed I was totally fine. I wasn't, I was broken. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was in love with someone who didn't love me back at the time. I was a mess a complete mess. 4 years ago on August 25th on a trip to Hawaii on vacation with the girls I deliberately and perfectly planned my suicide." I stopped taking a deep breath as I let tears fall but not sob. I tried to stop myself and Dinah wrapped an arm around me and Mani grabbed my hand as I tried to talk about it. The crowd cheered me in as I tried to keep my anxiety from taking over and preventing me from finishing the story. I started bouncing my leg to try and calm myself down. I finally gathered myself and continued.
"I made sure to make it seem like an accident so no one would get hurt or feel it was their fault. I didn't want anyone to know my death was a suicide. I went into the ocean got really far out on some sort of surfboard or boogie board thing. I looked back seeing the girls having fun and not paying attention and I let myself be knocked by a wave resting on the sea floor and I made it seem like I got caught in a rip current. I was so deliberate about every detail. It would've worked if I had factored in outside factors. A very concerned surfer swam out and dragged me out of the waves off the sea floor. He saved me again. Another person saved me. My leg was torn and need stitches so he brought me home and fixed up my leg. He let me stay in his house to keep an eye on me and he somehow coerced me into admitting it was a suicide attempt without knowing what he was doing. Once I told him he made it his life's goal to make me never feel that way again never attempt suicide again and to stop cutting. It took a long time because I feel off sometimes and got triggered or felt hurt. But finally I stopped and now I'm almost three years clean. Completely clean. The scars are there but the cuts themselves are gone and I'm healthy. I'm better I still think back to those times but I never act on it. But as a common theme in my past the person who saved me or the hero was the person I began dating. So I did eventually and he was the best thing to happen in my life. He made me feel happy and healthy, and most of all he made me feel beautiful and loved and that's something that before I hadn't really felt. He made me feel sexy in a way like my body was a temple not some sort of slab of meat that could be mistreated, hurt, or injured without a consequence. He helped me see the world differently that not everyone is out to get me. Not everything leads to dead ends. That good things are good things not bad things in disguise. He showed me how to love and be loved. It took a while for me to learn to trust and love because I was so intent on never being hurt again. But eventually he wiggled his way into my cold, closed off, dead heart and opened it up and warmed my heart with his touch rebirthing mit into into a strong and powerful Phoenix. Teaching it to beat again in time with his. To beat at a consistent rate unless he's around then it beats ten times faster like I don't know who what to do. He made me stronger and he made me better. It felt amazing and I trusted this man with my everything and he became my boyfriend but then things took a turn this said person was not my boyfriend anymore. Nothing bad happened it was mutual. He proposed and he became my fiancé and husband to be." Everyone clapped as I smiled slightly.
"What I wanted you to get from that is two things. One suicide is not worth it. There's a rainbow on the other side I promise you. Don't end life before it has the chance to do you good. You are a beautiful person who deserves love and if you think about doing it ever remember that out there somewhere is your soulmate and out their someone is the person or people who were meant to love you. I would have missed out on these ladies being the best friends in the entire world and being in the biggest girl group on the planet. Taking over the globe one step at a time. I wouldn't get to see all of your beautiful faces and I wouldn't be able to build a family with the amazing man who saved my life. It's ok to not feel like you're in a good place and you're not ok but don't end it all. Fix it up. You can make it through and when you do you'll be happy you stayed. So please please stay. The other thing is guys, sometimes the person struggling with this decision is the person you never expected. I don't think anyone who was in my life would say that they ever intoned that I would try to commit suicide. I was nice to everyone because I wanted them never to feel the way I did. I did my best to put on a facade and I succeeded. Guys be careful what you say and who you say it too and watch your friend behavior. If they talk to much about life if they were dead or how they would commit suicide. Tell someone who can help sometimes it's not always something they can necessarily change. Depression is a disease and other diseases can make people do and think things like this. Please tell someone and save a life. And share your story because you never know how it will effect someone. We want to sing you all a song called 24/7 that I wrote and we hope it encourages you and makes it feel better."