nocturnal ↭ myg ; pjm

[38] broken heart, faith is gone

"Yoongi, get a hold of yourself!" screams out his friends as he continues throwing bottles of liquor even with the content still unfinished.

After days of not going to school, Namjoon found out how and what Yoongi has been up to. The latter has not eaten and bothered taking a bath, and he has cried way too much and has not gotten any sleep yet. No one would ever think he deserves to go through such a thing, because he has never done anything wrong to be left behind and suffer the second time.

Yoongi tells them, with a hoarse voice, how much he wants to kill himself. He was so close to doing so, but has persuaded himself that Jimin would come back. That Jimin would show up one day to surprise him and tell him how much he was missed, and how much he is sorry to him for not coming back the day the younger promised.

"Don't worry, Yoongi. I'll come back, I promise," are the words that came from the boy's lips he misses. The exact right words Jimin has told him as tears kept on falling down and hands sharing the same firm hold.

"Stay strong, Yoongi. You still have us. We'll help you, and I promise—" Seokjin tries to convince, as all of them cries, "We promise you Jimin will come back."

Promises aren't always made to be broken, sometimes we just have to believe and wait a little longer. Because that is how the heavens above test how strong we are and how farther we could walk on a rough road when barefooted.

But they know, and so does Yoongi, that isn't this a little too much? Isn't this test a little too bad?

"Hyung?" a voice cries, "Yoongi hyung."

"What are you doing here?" Yoongi asks through sobs.

"I don't know. I came to visit."

Yoongi rubs his face, rubs his eyes in an angry manner. Seeing the new guy who came in somehow caused him a little of a relief, a little peace in mind.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you saying sorry?" Yoongi asks. He sees his own reflection in a huge mirror, and he realizes how he look. But he doesn't need to care. And now, he's too tired of hearing sorrys. "Get out."

Yoongi goes to the bathroom and fills up the tub with water. He dives down on it with his clothes on and thinks of anything and everything that would make his mind escape the thought of the boy he loves the most. He still cries his eyes out, but for now, no one would know and no one would see. Under the water, he tries to forget. Even just for a while.

Breathing. He forgets how to breathe. In and out. What's the use?

All the I love yous and I miss yous and the kisses and embrace they used to share, now isn't much of a good memory.

Yoongi is almost on the edge. He's almost about to get what he had just decided to do. To be. To die. But there will always be that one thing that would stop him. And that one thing is someone who truly loves him.

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF? WHY—" and the voice suddenly becomes softer, "What will happen to us if you do this? What will happen to you? To me, hyung? Have you ever thought about how we would feel?"

Grabbing Yoongi by the collar is a pair of hand clenched too tight, resisting the urge of hitting the older out of his own desideration.

"What happens to you, happens to you. And what happens to me, happens to me. I think that's just what life is all about."

"So you want to drown? You want to—to die and make us all regret of leaving you alone—"

Yoongi listens. And to the very end, he will.

"I'm sorry. Please, please, please don't do that again."

Yoongi smiles the littlest smile he could make. It is a bitter one. No one could ever be able to bring the real one back. He closes his eyes, breathes very deeply, and embraces the younger.

"I'm very cold."

"H-Here. Let me help you."

Yoongi gets out of the water and accepts the hand and the towel in front of him. After drying up and changing his clothes, he lays down on the bed and cuddles himself on the blanket. It feels like it has been years of him staying awake, crying on the floor, thinking and regretting and hurting. It feels like he has been insane for so long.

"Are you okay?"

"What do you think?"

"No?"

Yoongi nods. A tear once again escapes his eyes, but he tries to conceal his face.

"It's okay to cry. You don't have to hide it from me."

"I feel awkward. I-I feel," Yoongi cries, "I'm hurting, Jeongguk. W-When will Jimin come back?"

"I don't know, but he will."

"You only say that to try to make me feel better. But it doesn't. Not even a bit."

Yoongi turns his back on Jeongguk and grits his teeth.

"No. We know he won't do that. And I r-remember how much he talks about you, and how bright he smiles when he does—"

"But that doesn't measure how much he could be trusted."

Jeongguk tells him not to say such a thing, but Yoongi continues, "For less than a month, Jeongguk, he was able to put up with someone else. He was able to ignore me, to forget me, to make me regret of ever having him."

Yoongi thinks about what he last said. And he agrees to himself. He regrets having Jimin. He regrets loving him.

Walking for so long with no companion, with no hand to guide us through the darkness; sometimes one just had to give up. To let go if he can't endure much more pain. To stop pursuing on a dream so far away.