MONSTA X #1: Deleted Mémoire

1. Dead and Gone

ERRORS AHEAD

***

There I am again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles, shifting eyes and vacancy. What time is it already? It's already late but I'm still here in a small gathering. I should not be here, I should be in the office to work. Not in this place that has a lot of fake people. Having a conversation, bragging of what they've become.

When I was young, I am not friendly, I don't have friends in my highschool years. So what am I doing here? Even I, don't know the answer.

My mom just said that I should go here, to mingle with all the person in the past, but the truth is, they don't belong in my past. Only one person, and I bet that person isn't here.

Why would he come here when he knows that I'm probably here. Isn't he afraid to meet the person he dumped? Maybe he is. And add up the situation he is in now, singing professionally with his members.

Do I sound so bitter? Of course not.

"Hi." A girl around my age, greeted and I didn't say a thing. I only gave her a sharp nod and looked back in front where there are someone who's performing. Then and now, I can say that I'm still the old me, a person who doesn't have friends, only acquaintances.

Who would want to befriends with a person who's like she'll kill every person she sees? Definitely not them, not the person around me. Why? Because I know, they judge me without knowing anything. They judge a person without even knowing everything, they don't even know the height of that person they judged. What about the size of their feet? Do they know it? Who are they to judge?

Gosh people! So stupid, so frustrating!

But who am I to complain? People judge because they have brain, they have it to think and they speak what they saw. But isn't it better to stay silent if they don't have something better to say? So in that case, they didn't offend someone, they didn't hurt someone's feeling and there's peace in the world.

Heol. What am I thinking? This is the reason why I don't want to attend this gathering, I easily get bored and it makes me think all of the things around.

One hour...

Two hours...

And that two hours turned to three hours but the party is still going on. People are already wasted, they're drinking here and there but I can't seem to enjoy. Who would? Ah ani, how can I enjoy if I don't have someone with me to keep my company?

I lazily fished my phone inside my bag and turned it on if ever my mom sent me a message but there's none. I check the time and it says it's already 10PM.

Okay, time to go home HyoKi. I stood up from my seat and didn't budge saying goodbye to the girls in my table and just left, but before I could leave the place, I was astonished by the person's appearance that I thought I won't be seeing here.

I just stare at him, greeting back to those girls or should I say his fans with a smile on his face. His smile is still the same. It can still make my heart flutter, he glances at me and I thought he'll greet me so I prepared myself but he just walk pass by. Without even saying something, without even greeting me, even just a sharp nod.

I blinked twice before staring at him walking towards the table of our class adviser back then. I sigh, maybe he doesn't know me anymore. Maybe I was really not an important person for him back then. Maybe... I was just his past time.

Maybe all the time that we spent together, the sweetness that we shared together was a lie. Maybe it wasn't true, maybe all of those was a dream.

I touched my chest when I felt my heart breaking, once again. I can almost hear it cry. I can almost hear it shattering, I can almost imagine it turning into ashes.

For two years, all I did was moved on. I thought two years was already enough, I thought I don't love him anymore. But turns out my heart just pause on loving him and now that I saw him again, it began to love him again.

I thought I don't know how to love anymore, but turns out I'm just waiting for a person to return so I can love again.

But isn't it too unfair? I love him, but does he love me back?

I guess not.

Because the time that we broke up, was the time his feelings for me faded. His feelings for me are now dead and gone. Or maybe he doesn't really have feelings for me, because I was really just his past time.

Just a past time.

A bitter smile formed on my lips, I chuckled. This is so wrong. This is so fucking wrong.

For two years, I already build a wall around my heart to protect it, but just a minute passed by and all of it was now gone. Am I really that gullible? A stupid?

I guess I am. Oh ani, I really am.

•

Four months passed by like a blur, and all I did was focused on my work to divert my attention from thinking of him. From thinking about the past and from thinking how stupid I am to believe in his lies.

Now, I'm already in my own room and I'm working for the last paperworks given by my boss. Honestly, this paper work is not really for me but because I'm already done working for mine, I insisted my boss to give this work for me and he did since he has a lot of paper works to do too.

He thanked me and told me that he'll give me a bonus.

A soft knock was heard in my room and my brows furrowed as I glances at the wall clock. It's already 9:30, who would that be? Mom and Dad is probably sleeping right. Perhaps, it's my little bro? But he should be sleeping right now!

"Yah. Why aren't you sleeping HyunKi?" I asked and stood up from my chair.

"Oh come on Noona, it's Saturday tomorrow. Don't be such a kill joy." He said, I rolled my eyes and marched towards the door.

"I'll really tell eomm— mwoya?" I was cut off because of what I saw when I opened the door.

"Hi?"

Why the hell is he here?