宮殿 Gōngdiàn×The Palace

CHAPTER 47

5 months later***

Something shifted between us, something altered on that fateful night he took me. Every time I close my eyes, I can still feel the lingering touch of his fingers, the way they explored every inch of my body. The intensity in his eyes when we became one. His whispers echoed in my ear, their echoes etched into my memory. My body retains every sensation, and in the nights he is absent, I yearn for that feeling, as if he could see into the depths of my soul.

When our gazes locked in that intimate embrace, everything changed. Since then, I have been plagued by these urges, this longing for him. It has been almost two months now, and we still have not received any news from the front lines. I woke up one morning to an empty bed, the absence of his warmth leaving it cold. I pretended not to care, but when I discovered that the Mongs army had breached our eastern borders and was marching towards the capital, fear gripped me.

No matter my feelings for the emperor and his excellent rule, I dreaded the thought of falling into the enemy's hands again. At first, I found solace in knowing that the emperor was required to lead the imperial army. As the days passed, I resigned myself to the confines of my gilded prison that I call home. The loneliness that enveloped me at night, I kept hidden from prying eyes. But as a month went by, I felt an increasing longing to see his face.

Still, I guarded my heart from watchful eyes. Then, the dreams began. His voice calling out to me in the darkness, his touch lingering on my skin. Those cold yet affectionate eyes looking into mine, his lips brushing against mine. My dreams tormented me every night with his presence, to the point where I found myself not wanting to wake up. I can still remember what he said to me that night. I pretended to be hurt by our actions, so he wouldn't know my true feelings.

"Cai." he whispered my name so softly, tears streaming down my cheeks as I felt ashamed of myself for actually feeling something. It wasn't just pleasure, I could have dealt with that, but it was the growing feeling in my heart that I couldn't bear. I didn't understand what love was then, and I still don't now. I felt trapped in the palace, confined and suffocated. It wasn't what I was accustomed to; I was used to freedom, going wherever I pleased without eyes constantly watching my every move. I didn't have to answer to anyone, I wasn't treated like a puppet. But these days, I don't feel like myself. I feel like someone polished, someone manufactured, it pained me when we shared something so profound, and I denied it, crying while he held me.

"I may not show affection, Cai." he spoke with an air of sincerity. "But I promise you, I would never intentionally hurt you."

I continued to cry because his words brought a sense of comfort, and I didn't want him to comfort me. It was easier to hate someone who was cold and uncaring than someone who showed affection.

"I promise you that this will not happen again if you don't want it to." he said.

He whispered in my ear, pulling me closer into his chest. "You are the first for me," he confessed.

I wanted to ask him what he meant by "first," but my voice failed me as I cried throughout the night. In that moment, it was okay for me to be weak. Tomorrow, I would revert to my usual strength. But that night, I needed to be vulnerable in his arms. I cried for all the wrongs done to me, for everything I had endured while being held captive. And he simply held me, not saying another word. I couldn't remember when I fell asleep, but when I woke up with swollen eyes and weariness, I realized I was back in the palace's garden, alone in my bed. Later that day, Eunuch Yuan informed me that he had left early in the morning upon hearing reports of the eastern border's fall to the enemy.

"Come in." I said in response to the knock on my door.

"My lord," Meixiang bowed as she entered. "A letter from Empress Li."

I sighed. This had been happening more frequently as of late. Taking the letter, I quickly scanned its contents before placing it back down.

"Meixiang, am I allowed to refuse Empress Li again?"

"May I inquire as to what it is you wish to decline, my lord?"

"Well, Empress Li has invited me to tea with the other concubines, and I would prefer to avoid such an encounter if possible." I explained earnestly.

"Do you have any suggestions?" I asked her. "It's been two months since you." she said, blushing and turning her face away from my view. Her behavior made me feel embarrassed as well, especially since I had just relieved myself that morning.

I could feel the heat in my cheeks. "I think I'd like to take a bath, and please inform the empress that I apologize for not being able to make it today. But I will reschedule, let her know I have a headache." I told Meixiang, and she left to deliver my message.

To be honest, I'm really surprised she hasn't barged in here yet. Stripping out of my clothes, I walked naked through the garden towards the hot pool. Unbeknownst to me, there were a pair of eyes watching me from afar.

Mu Yang's point of view: Two months, two months in this damn place. Every time he was getting somewhere with Cai, something stood in his way. It took all of his willpower to not lift Cai in his arms and bring him with him that morning. But he wouldn't do that again. He couldn't risk his life again.