Cross my heart, hope to die //Tanner Braungardt//

Chapter 26

POV Kenzie

Beeping. That's all I hear. And low voices. Where am I? Wait... I'm not dead. No! All I wanted was to be happy!

My eyes slowly open to reveal that I'm in the hospital. My mom is talking with a doctor by the door. "Mom?" I ask groggily, trying to sit up. But pain shoots through both my arms and I fall back against the bed. "Oh honey. Your awake", she says rushing over to me.

She wraps me in her arms and starts sniffling. "I thought I lost you", she says. "I'm here mom. I'm okay." I say patting her back. "No. You're not okay. You tried to kill yourself. I'm going to get you help." she says pulling away and grabbing my hand.

The doctor walks over and holds out his hand. I shake it and wince. "I'm Doctor Winston. And I know you don't want to talk about it so we won't. But I have recommended a councilor for you, and a prescription of antidepressants. Those would help you feel better. And you're underweight so make sure you're eating more. But make healthy decisions." he continues to talk on and on about stuff I don't care about, so I zone out.

"You are free to go whenever you like", he says. I look at my mom and she nods. "Can we leave now?" I ask. "Yes honey" she says. "Okay I'll get a nurse in here to unhook you from everything." he says and then walks out. I lift up my arms and look at the white gauze covering the long cuts I made. It's stained with a bit of red but nothing much. God I feel like crap. I just want to go home.

Soon a nurse comes in and takes all the IV's out of me and she gives me some cloths to wear. I go into the bathroom and change then walk back out. My mom is waiting for me outside the room and once she sees me, we head off down the hallway.

On our way home, I look out the window mindlessly. Nothing is getting to me now. I don't feel anything. I'm numb. But not the type of numb where it makes me want to cut, the type of numb where I just don't feel anything. It's not a good or bad feeling. It's just numb.

***

Soon enough, we pull up into the drive way and I get out and walk to the front door. It's already unlocked so I walk in and up to my room. I don't shut the door behind me, I just leave it open, figuring that my parents would want it open. I head over to my dresser and pull out a pair of pajama shorts and a black T-shirt. I take off my cloths and change into the ones I chose before shutting off my light and crawling in bed.

I can hear my parents talking downstairs. My moms crying and my dads trying to comfort her. I sigh and get comfortable. The steps creak, signaling that someone is walking up the stairs. Someone walks into my room and over to my bed. I feel a kiss being pressed to my forehead. The person gets back up and walks away, closing my door.

I snuggle into my bed and let sleep over take me. But it doesn't. Instead I feel the urge to make a video. So I do. I get up from my bed, get the ring light positioned in front of my bed, out my camera in the ring light. Then I tie my hair up into a messy bun, turn my camera on, and sit down on my bed, Indian style.

"Okay so I wasn't planning on making this before for a long time. But certain things happened this week that pushed me to do it. And I will get into that in a minute, but I need to explain a few things first. I've had depression sense 6th grade and I haven't mentioned it because that's not what I wanted this channel to be about. And I've been self harming for the same amount of time. And I've been very suicidal for so long. And I couldn't take it anymore. So I'm here to tell you guys that yesterday night, I tried to kill myself. And I survived. And I wished I didn't. I want to be dead, I don't want to live anymore, I just don't want to be here. I'm so sorry that you guys have to hear this but it's true. I've struggled with this crap for so long and something this week happened that pushed me over the edge. I couldn't handle the pain and heartbreak I was feeling. And I'm still feeling it. And it's terrible. I'm so selfish for trying to end my life and leave you guys. But if you are my true supporters then you will know that I am not happy here and I would have been so much happier dead." I say before taking a deep breathe and continuing.