Time Can Only Tell.....

Chapter 32.01

Monica's POV

It's my fault. My baby is gone and it's all my fault.

In eighteen years of my life I've never known this type of pain. The emotional sorrow filled in my heart is unbearable like all the air has been sucked from my lungs and I'm left being a shadow of myself.

It's my fault. My baby is gone and it's all my fault.

Those very words run rapid endlessly through my mind as I lay emotionally drained in this cold hard hospital bed staring into space. I don't want to eat, talk, the only functions I feel a need to do are cry and sleep.

Crying releases the pain but only for a while and sleeping shuts everything off. It allows me to breathe and a break from thinking about how my carelessness cost me my baby.... Our baby.

I can't bare myself to look at him... I know he's crushed and I'm to blame.

His face which usually adores a big friendly smile has drifted into a frown of stress, sadness, and heartache. This is supposed to be the happiest time of his life and I'm ruining that for him.

Instead focusing on his self, he's in a hospital mourning the loss of his child that I lost.

I'm just a burden to him and I'm sure he now sees that.

I should have listened to him and went to the doctor instead of thinking it's nothing.

It kills me to know I lay in a bed doing nothing while my child was dying inside of me. A child that didn't deserve to die, a child who deserved a better mother than me. One that wouldn't have allowed him or her to die because she was too afraid and scared to get checked out by a real doctor.

12 weeks.

That's how long a human being that was supposed to be nurtured in my womb was growing. 3 whole months and the child of the man I love and I created was growing and I didn't even know.

"Hey you're awake" I swear I hear Tae's voice but my mind has to be playing tricks on me. I know she's in San Diego.

"Tae?" my voice crackles from my excessive crying and quietness of the course the last few days.

I slowly open my eyes trying to allow myself to adjust to bright blinding light. Blinking a couple of times, I finally get my vision straight enough to see my best friend sitting to the right of my hospital bed full on concern displayed over her face.

"How you doing Mon?" she reached for my hand comforting squeezing our hands together.

"......" I tried to open my mouth to speak but no words came out only tears and more tears.

"Aww sis" she moved closer and wrapped her arms around me embracing me into a hug something I probably needed the past few days but I refused to allow it to happen. I don't deserve anyone's sympathy.

It's my fault. My baby is gone and it's all my fault.

"I'm sorry Mon" she rocked us back and forth as tears cascaded down my cheeks from my already tired and puffy eyes.

"It's my fault. It's all my fault" I whispered lowly as afraid saying it out loud makes the reality more painful than it already is.

"Hey look at me" we separated and she looked into my face. "It wasn't your fault; Mon. it was nobody's fault."

Hearing those words only angered me "But it was my fault. A baby who was depending on its mother was growing inside of me for 12 weeks! 12 fucking weeks and I knew nothing Tae. How can you say it's not my fault??" my voice sounding louder than it has since this whole ordeal and I know the boys probably hear me right now because I know they're not too far. They'll been here since the hospital called them even through me crying and refusing to talk.