Healing (jax & bianca; backstage) ✔️

thirteen

b.b

     As Bianca feels Jax's face drawing closer to her's, her heart pounds at light speed. She knows exactly what is about to happen and finds herself wanting to go through with it. Bianca Blackwell wants to kiss Jax Gardner. She's been wanting to kiss him since freshman year. She's dreamed of this moment being special, magical and perfect. But that's not how it's about to happen.

Jax's about to kiss her after avoiding and not speaking to each other in a month; after their best friends died. So she can't kiss him. She can't initiate the kiss, but she lets him do it. And once his lips touch her's, she knows bringing Miles' guitar to Jax is a mistake.

Bianca steps back from him and runs out of his room. She thumps down the stairs feeling light headed and confused. As she passes Mrs. Gardner, she moves faster to the door; leaving just before Jax's mom can say anything.

Worst decision ever, she thinks as she drives home. I should have kept Miles' guitar. Jax doesn't need it.

"And why did he have to kiss me?" she says aloud to herself. Bianca grips the steering wheel tighter as she replays the kiss over and over. The more she imagines it, the more she scares herself. Why? Because, just maybe she wants to kiss Jax again.

Bianca bits her lip. "No you don't want to kiss him. You can't be with him. You messed up." she tells herself. "I wish I could talk to Miles right now."

Bianca remembers the conversation she had with Miles after what she did to Jax.

"Bianca, why did you tell Jenna Jax's was cheating on her? You broke his heart."

"He broke mine first!"

"So what? You did it for fun?"

"No. I just..."

"You like him? You like Jax don't you?"

"I thought he liked me too Miles! We held hands. We exchanged glances at the midterm show. He even asked if we could go together. But then we come back from break, and he likes Jenna? He totally messed with me. He probably never even liked me at all."

"So now what? Will you guys still be friends."

"I hope so. I just can't lose him as a friend. He means everything to me as a friend. I need him."

"I need him."
"I need him."
"I need him."
"I need him."

That repeats in her mind. She remembers exactly how she felt then; exactly why she needed Jax as a friend so much. She needed him to distract her from her thoughts and to help her feel like a normal girl. She most of all needed Jax to keep her happy. Because that's what he did. He made her excited and joyful; like none of her problems could ever bring her down.

A tear rolls down her cheek, when Bianca remembers how Jax made her feel. A feeling no one else has ever given her.

Bianca realizes. She does needs Jax. She needs him to help her get through Miles' passing.

But only as a friend. Even though she can't stand being just that.