Dear Savanna

March 30, 2017

Dear Savanna,

Today is Asia's 17th Birthday, and I made sure the whole world knew it. I'm hoping she'll get over being so sad about not being able to see Michelle and Travis, so I'm doing my best to cheer her up. I kind of want to invite Matt but it's not my place. I just...I can't help but want him around me all the time. He makes me feel so alive. He makes me feel a type of way that I haven't felt in forever- the way I felt with Alex. I almost forgot what that feeling felt like. I'm addicted to that feeling. He makes me come alive. But is it real? Or is it just some perfect illusion like it was with Alex? Call me crazy, but I felt the same way with him and then he just used me and left me for some cheap greasy slut who ended up leaving him anyways. Karma. But the point is, I don't want to go through that again, and how am I ever supposed to know if somebody like Matt is just another Alex in disguise? He's obviously not the same Matthew I had that innocent little girl crush on in middle school- he's changed, but I just don't know how yet. I can't shake the feeling that everything is starting to fall into place, but regardless of whatever I feel, I think I'm always going to have doubts. How could I not? After what I've been through, it's impossible not to.

I fear Asia is becoming depressed, maybe even suicidal. The way she's been talking, it's like she doesn't even care about living anymore- it's almost like the way you would talk when you were here. It's scaring me. I'm sorry to have to say this, but I don't want Asia to turn into you, Vanna. No offense, but you've gone off the deep end and from the looks off it, Asia is next in line for the diving board. She just doesn't care anymore. She's not acting herself. I want to talk to April, but I feel like if I do it will make Asia worse. April could blame the school system- she might take her out of the public school system all together and homeschool her like Matt. That's clearly not what she needs, but hell- I don't know what she needs. She's getting out of hand. I blame the people she's been hanging around, for one, and because she doesn't allow herself to let go and live her life. She can't keep holding on to her past, she has to look forward to her future.

He still won't leave me alone. Yesterday after school, he tried to talk to me. I couldn't fathom the stupidity of it all. He was walking down the hallwith his girlfriend, and saw me in the doorway of the art room, and signalled me to come out- with her still standing there, knowing how easily I could out him to her. I said, "No, I'm busy, go away." and went back to what I was doing, but he stood there signalling for me to join him in the hall for another good five or so minutes until finally he gave up and left with Trinity. If it weren't for this mediation situation, I would've outed him. Trust me, I don't really like Trinity, but I hate him and he doesn't deserve to be happy. Any individual that's sick enough to do the things he's done never deserves to be happy...

Bad news. Daddy went to the doctor, and he has bladder cancer. I don't remember what the exact classification of it was, but they say it's treatable with meds. He's medical issues piling up. Stomach problems, kidney issues, bladder cancer, diabetes- he's in bad shapes. Honestly, Vanna, I'm scared I'm going to lose him. I don't know if I can handle that.

Send your love,

BFF.