Dear Savanna

October 14, 2017

Dear Savanna, 

Do you by chance recall the story I told you about my trip to Charlotte gone terribly wrong and years of crippling anxiety ensue? Just incase you don't remember, I'll tell you again...

Sasha, one of my oldest friends, finally came to visit me in the Summer of 2014. It was in July, and so the weather was scorching hot. Sasha and her parents drove a long way from Kentucky for Sasha and I to finally meet and spend time together which, as you've probably heard, my mother was VERY reluctant to let me do.

It was decided that we would lodge in Charlotte and a funky spot called the Drury Inn. I thought the hotel was pretty nice on account of the hot tub. I think Sasha thought so too considering you needed a crow bar just to pry her out of the thing. Our room was on one of the very top floors- the seventh floor, if I'm remembering correctly. The hotel came close to the one Zack and Cody lived in, except I don't think theirs had a kickass indoor/outdoor pool. 

Upon arriving, Sasha and I were overly aesthetic. The whole trip gave us both this crazy sense of a   "dude, is this really happening right now?" type  euphoria; it was all just so surreal. When we finally got in to get our room key, Sasha and I gave the place a onesover.

The hotel seemed to be flooded with black folks, which Sasha and I believed was on account of some family reunion. There was an eating area directly in front of the front doors and it had this popcorn machine in the corner that produced some of the stailest popcorn I've ever eaten in my life- I almost choked to death. There was also a coffee machine and tea bags around the corner... I remember putting a tea bag in the coffee as if I had just discovered some ground breaking shit- it was disgusting. The food was all complimentary, I don't know if the alcohol everyone kept getting was though. Finally in the room, we all unpacked and got nice and cozy. The partially empty room you came into after opening the door- kind of like a living room with guest bedroom vibes- had a bed in front of a desk and dresser, that was were I slept. Sasha slept on an air mattress and her parents took the bed in the enclosed room. 

The first day, I was fine. Us girls went shopping while Sasha's step-dad stayed back at the hotel, and Sasha and I hopped in the pool almost as soon as we got back. Overall, a good day. The next day though, not so much. Nobody woke me up for my medicine at 6am, and when I finally woke up at about 11:30am I felt craptastic. Our plan for the day was to head downtown to watch this new comedy movie called Tammy. Walking through the Charlotte Epicentre was like walking through some kind of daydream. Darkness engulfed the skies with no sign of even a single star, though we wouldn't have needed any because there was so many lights that it felt more like the red carpet event rather than downtown Charlotte. Nightlife seemed to spew from every crevice of the city, people everywhere. I had unknowingly been in that same place before; our school field trip to the Charlotte Symphony ended with grabbing some pizza at a place that was right below the movie theater Sasha and I went to. The movie theater was called Studio Movie Grille, and inside was an escalator lined with the most enchanting blue lights- it was like entering Heaven, not a theater. When we got in and the movie started, we ordered food. I don't think I got anything except a milkshake, but it was a good milkshake. 

When the movie was over, we went to take pictures on the terrace. After we were through with taking pictures, we headed to the car down in the parking garage and started on our way back to the hotel. En route, Sasha and her mom started arguing about something- like me and my mom would do- and then I started feeling sick. Finally after getting to the hotel, I puked. As soon as I got out of the car, BLecHHH- disgusting. I got in, took off my dirty clothes, and got in the bathtub- keep in mind this is way after the time I should've took my medicine. I started crying, and it was like I couldn't stop. I had this itch in my stomach that kept screaming "Go home!" and I finally couldn't bare it any longer, so I called my mom and she and my uncle drove all the way there to get me at twelve in the morning. Sasha was so upset and her mom was very angry with me because of leaving, but I didn't know what else to do. 

I hadn't had something like that happened to me since the third grade and I was unprepared to handle it. I didn't mean to hurt Sasha, but I didn't know what to do. At the time, I didn't even really know what was even happening to me because it had been so long since my last episode. I took my medicine and I felt fine afterwards, but by then it was too late. For months after that, I had nightmares. I felt so guilty for hurting Sasha, and even more so when she and I finally rekindled our friendship... because she wasn't the same Sasha I had befriended all those years ago, she was different. I blamed myself for the person she had become, and honestly... I still do. I think she's better now, but at the time she was so lost... lost to the point that I felt I was unable to guide her back. I wasn't the same person after Charlotte either. 

I was haunted by that night for what seemed like an eternity, it played over and over like a looped recording in my head, and it changed me; it was as if my body was the same but my mind had been transported back to the third grade and all of the sudden I was this emotional mess, far from functional, and I've been stuck that way ever since. For years after that happened, I couldn't spend the night at anyone's house. No matter how hard I tried, I got the same feeling as I did in Charlotte. It was difficult to even have people over. Going to school became a struggle. 

I even stopped going to church because I felt like a noodle everytime Sunday came around. The last time I stepped foot in a church was this past Mother's Day. This year, it fell on a Sunday, and so my uncle kept going on about my mom and I coming to church for the Mother's Day service until finally- we did. The sermon was actually very nice. But believe me, I'm not a frequent flyer.

Over the years, I've become somewhat of a recluse. Since 8th grade, I've made some new friends, you being one of those people- but since you've been gone, I've grown close to Janet. I tell her all the stuff I'd tell you, but she usually just laughs whereas you would make a face and bang your head on the wall. Now, our friendship is being put to the test. Today is Janet's Sweet 16 Party, and she wants me to spend the night. I'm determined to do it or die trying because I've spent over three years trying to deal with my anxiety and I've just about had it with feeling like I'm incapable of leaving my own house. No, pushing myself isn't some type of magical cure-all, but it sure beats sitting at home and not even TRYING to be a normal human being. 

Wish me luck,
BFF

P.S. Happy Birthday, Vanna