postponing forever

chapter 12

Finn allowed his first smile to form on his lips in over a week as he made his way into his apartment building. He was finally finished with exams and was only a few short weeks away from graduating. All he needed now was to find a job as a lawyer somewhere near where Rachel found a job and things would be great. 

He was also happy because now he could work on fixing things with him and Rachel. He had been making plans for over six months for graduation and he wanted to fix things with him and Rachel before then. 

He was surprised when he entered the apartment to find Rachel already home but also relieved because it must have meant her exam went well. But then he noticed that she was surrounded by papers and wondered what she was studying. 

‘Hi’ he greeted her. 

‘Hi’ Rachel looked up. 

‘How was your exam?’ he asked her. 

‘Good’ she smiled ‘I’m pretty sure I’m going to get an A’ 

‘That’s my girl’ he smiled proudly before leaning down to press a kiss on her forehead, surprising Rachel. 

‘How about yours?’ she asked him. 

‘Yeah it was good’ he told her pulling out the seat on the other end of the table and taking a seat. 

‘What’s all this?’ he asked picking up an envelope and frowning. 

‘Oh there job offers and such’ she told him as though it wasn’t a big deal. 

Finn looked up shocked. There had to be over thirty offers in front of her. 

‘Why didn’t you say something?’ he asked her. 

Rachel shrugged ‘When did you want me to do that? During the five minutes I saw you every second day for breakfast?’ 

Rachel looked up and saw the defeated look on his face. She had already gone through most of the offers and so far had found ten offers worth looking into from different parts of the country and also a very intriguing one from Europe which she had put on the bottom of the maybe pile. Maybe a trip and some distance would be the best thing for them. 

‘Wow I knew you were doing well but this is amazing’ he sighed flicking through some of the offers in the pile Rachel had rejected. 

‘Yeah’ she shrugged modestly. 

‘So’ he started then ‘now that exams are over can I take you out to dinner to celebrate tonight?’ he asked her. 

‘Sorry I made plans with Maria’ she told him quickly before turning back to her list. 

Finn frowned he felt as though a giant glass wall had been built between him and Rachel and he had no idea how to get past it. He had hoped giving her the space to get through her exams would help him in the end but apparently Rachel had used the space to pull further away from him and now he felt like a stranger who was just looking in on her life. 

‘What are you guys doing?’ he asked. 

‘Michael had to work so we’re going to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream, that sort of thing’ she explained without looking up. 

‘Do you think you could stop that for a couple of minutes to talk to me?’ he asked her then becoming increasingly annoyed with the way she was behaving. 

‘Not really I need to go through these and make some decisions’ 

‘What sort of decisions need to be made that cant wait for ten minutes?’ he asked. 

‘The kind where I decide if I want to accept a job in Europe or in California’ she snapped. 

‘Your considering a job in Europe?’ he asked shocked. 

‘I don’t know’ Rachel finally looked up and caught the first glimpse of hurt and sadness in his eyes. 

‘Don’t you think we should talk about it?’ he asked her. 

‘What’s there to talk about?’ Rachel asked him. 

‘Well this is a big decision, El. The law system works differently in Europe and I’m not sure if I would be able to practice over there’ he told her. 

‘Why would you be worried about working in Europe?’ she asked. 

Finn frowned then ‘well I need to work I cant live off you if we move over there’ he told her. 

‘Who said anything about you moving over there, Finn?’ she whispered then. 

‘Well El if you’re going to be in Europe then that’s where I plan on being too’ he cried. He saw her face then and realised what she was getting at. 

‘You don’t want me to come with you?’ he asked then. 

‘I haven’t made a decision about Europe yet Finn it’s just in the maybe pile’ she told him. 

‘No, that’s not what I meant and you know it’ Finn yelled then. 

‘Your not planning on talking to me about this are you?’ he asked her then ‘because your not planning on being with me are you?’ he cried. 

Rachel looked up and met his distressed eyes then ‘I-I don’t know’ she replied. 

Finn jumped from the table ‘you said when exams were done you’d talk to me, that we would work through this’ he cried. 

‘I told you I would talk to you I never told you that we were going to work this out, Finn’ 

‘Fuck’ he screamed then ‘I know I fucked up El, god do I know it but I love you and I cant loose you’ he cried. 

Rachel allowed the tears to flow down her eyes then ‘and what happens if you already have?’ she whispered. She felt her heart breaking a little more with every word that she said to him. Even though she had told him she wasn’t ready to deal with him last week she had spent most of her time sorting through everything and she still didn’t have the answers and what that told her was maybe she needed space. 

‘W-What?’ Finn asked her. 

Rachel stood up and packed away the things that she was doing before walking into her bedroom. 

‘Please don’t walk away from me El’ he pleaded ‘if you walk to far I’m not sure if we’ll be able to fix this’ he cried. The further she walked the less the chance was that she would want to. He was watching as three and half years of sacrifices went up in smoke. 

‘I’m going to stay at Maria’s tonight I think we need some space’ she told him. ‘I need to clear my head and you need to calm down’ she told him trying to be reasonable. 

‘No, the last thing we need is more space El’ he cried ‘the problem is we’ve had too much space’ 

Rachel ignored him and continued to pack a bag of things to take with her to Maria’s. 

‘El, please’ he cried. 

Rachel walked past him and towards the door, she stopped at the pleading sound in his voice ‘I don’t know what you want me to say, I don’t know what to say’ she whispered sadly. 

‘You don’t have to say anything El I just need you to listen’ he begged. 

‘Okay’ she told him ‘but tomorrow I promised Maria that we’d have girl time tonight’ she told him. 

Finn nodded his head in defeat even though she had agreed to talk to him she was still running and he didn’t know he was going to be able to do to catch her.