postponing forever

chapter 32

Rachel and Finn spent their first night apart in two months that night when Rachel stayed in her old room above the Crashdown and Finn stayed at his parents house. 

Rachel was busy sorting through her suitcase looking for her toiletries and pajamas that she didn’t notice her mother was standing in the doorframe watching her. 

Nancy smiled she watched her daughter unpacking, it had been a while since she had been home and Nancy was happy to have her here even if it was only for one night. She knew that she had hurt Rachel lately but Rachel was her little girl and it was her role to protect her daughter, she wanted Rachel to have everything in life she had ever wanted. 

“Mum?” Rachel questioned when she turned around and saw her mother staring at her. 

“I’m sorry sweetie” she apologized for staring and walked into the room. She took a seat on the bed next to Rachel's “Can we talk?” she asked. It was time to tell her daughter the truth and maybe then she would understand why Nancy had been so hard on her and Finn over the years. 

“Ok” Rachel agreed taking a seat next to her mother. 

“I know you think I’m not happy for your sweetheart but I am” she told her reaching out to take her daughters hand “I just wish so much for you Rachel, I want you to have all your dreams and everything you could ever want” 

“I do, mum” Rachel told her “I love Finn with everything that I am but I don’t have to choose with Finn I can have everything I want” 

“That’s good sweetie” her mother said wiping the tears from her face. 

“Mum?” Rachel questioned. 

“When I was 16, Rachel I met a boy and much like you with Finn I fell madly in love with him” she admitted. 

Rachel was a little surprised she had never heard her mother talk about anyone but her father and she knew they hadn’t met that young. 

“I was a naïve girl Rachel, I thought he was the love of my life that we would be together forever which is why I jumped heard first into a relationship with him. I always wanted to go to college and become a nurse or even a teacher and I had pretty good grades that I could have pulled it off until I met him.” 

“What happened?” Rachel asked. 

“I spent so much time trying to be the person he wanted me to be that my grades dropped, he was older than me, a senior so I assumed that when he left on his football scholarship he would take me with him” she cried. 

“He left you didn’t he?” Rachel was shocked. 

“Yes and by that stage it was too late. My grades were so bad I barely passed my junior year and then I found out I was pregnant” 

Rachel gasped, did she have a sister or brother out there that she didn’t know about? 

“A-A Baby?” 

“I lost the baby a few months later” she cried. 

“Oh mum”  Rachel leaning over and hugging her mother as she cried, it was obvious that it still hurt her mother a lot to talk about this and Rachel wondered if she had ever told her father about any of this. 

“I’m sorry honey” Her mother pulled back wiping her eyes. “I didn’t just loose a child Rachel I almost lost the ability to have more, you are a miracle to me and your father and I thank god everyday for giving you to us” she admitted. 

Rachel had already been aware of her mothers inability to have more children after her, she knew they had tried they just never had been able to conceive again and after years of trying decided to just be happy with their beautiful daughter. She knew it was why they always pushed her so hard, all her other friends had brothers or sisters to share the expectations with, Rachel bore them alone. 

“What I did to you was wrong Rachel but when Finn came and asked to marry you I was jealous, Rachel. I was jealous that your sweetheart wanted to take you with him when mine didn’t, but I also didn’t want you to give up your dreams because of it” 

“Mum, Finn never would have expected me to do that” she soothed. 

“I know that now” she sighed “I was so selfish Rachel, do you think you could ever forgive me?” 

“Yeah” Rachel smiled “as long as your promise to stop, I need to make my own mistakes good and bad” she told her. 

“I know honey but no mother wants to see her children hurting” she told her. 

“You are happy with Dad aren’t you mum?” she asked. 

Nancy smiled at her daughters question “Yes, happier than I ever dreamed Rachel. I never knew what real love was until I met your father Rachel, he has made me very happy and he gave me you” she sighed. 

“I’m glad, and that’s how I feel about Finn” 

“That’s good sweetie” Nancy told her daughter. “I’ll leave you to get ready for bed” she said then standing up. 

“Mum” Rachel called out and stopped her mother just as she reached the door “thanks for telling me” she whispered. 

Nancy smiled “your welcome” 

For the first time in her entire life Rachel felt close to her mother and at least now she could try to understand why her mother always pushed her so hard. It wasn’t because she wasn’t good enough it was because her mother simply loved her that much.