[MJ Fanfiction] Collide

CHAPTER TEN - TOGETHER

February 7th, 1991

Dear Diary,

Things keep on being crazier since I've met Michael, it's like my life has become a mess. I am a mess. I jeopardized my job and entire career because I was too upset by everything I was feeling deep inside.

My emotions are all over the place, and I still don't understand why. It's like I am not the only one to control my body and mind now, and that, somehow, my choices are influenced by something. I can't put in words how I feel, because I'm a tortured by different emotions: anger, a bit of happiness, fear, sorrow,... But most of all, I feel lonely. This loneliness is transparent for most people yet omnipresent for me.

I don't know why I feel so empty while I should feel so full with everything that's been going on in my life recently. Maybe because I miss mom and dad? Because I know they would help me the best they could if they were here.

But why feel so lonely when I have my best friend and my grandmother beside me?

Why do I have to feel so empty when I have so much to deal with?

The session with Dr. Olson didn't bring me much a few days ago. I knew he wouldn't be able to help me if I didn't tell him everything about me. He says I need time to open up to people, and he's definitely right. Alice had to wait years before I told her everything, so opening up to a stranger was never on my to-do list. So he just sits there, and listens to whatever I have to tell him: how I feel after my coma, how mad I am to be away from the children of the hospital for a week, how I hate when the weather is so cold...

Basically everything but what really bothers me.

"Girl, what the hell are you doing? It's not even six in the morning," Al's raspy voice was heard, and instantly, I turned my head toward the bed to see her sleepy face.  

"I couldn't sleep," I just shrugged, as I closed my journal and put it at my feet on the window's seat. "Go back to sleep," I gently told her with a little smile as I focused on her again.