[MJ Fanfiction] Collide

CHAPTER FORTY THREE - HELPFUL

April 9th, 1991

Dear Diary,

I didn't find the time to write in there earlier, but right now, I feel like I need to. There's been too much on my mind lately, and I think I need to vent, so here I am. I don't even know where to start. Yeah... I guess I'll start by what's occupying the major part of my mind these days... Dad.

He has been the only thing on my mind every since I met Hayden. I've been torturing myself with questions I doubt I'll ever have the answers to, like: Why did he do that? Why didn't he man up and tell the truth to my mother? The frustration of not being able to ask him those questions is the worst feeling. I can't even hate him for what he's done to mom. Hell, I don't even know what I feel right now. I just feel completely lost. I feel like I didn't even know my father, the one I always put on a pedestal, my confident, my hero. What am I supposed to feel when I find out that he turned out to be a selfish liar with no morals?

I think I feel betrayed, for the major part. There's also this hint of guilt, deep inside of me. I feel guilty to have had a loving and caring father when all Hayden had was an absent father figure. It saddened me when he called him by his name instead of calling him Dad. It showed just how much of a stranger he was to him. But I didn't choose any of that. I didn't want my father to completely forget about him when I was born. I wish he tried to make things right to give me a chance to grow up with a brother, and to give Hayden the chance to have a father.

I spent the night talking about it with Michael, I know he's be best person to understand me since he's been there with Joseph and Joh'Vonnie. Sometimes I feel like he can read my mind, because he has this ability to put my thoughts into words, to voice the things I'm not able to. I can feel how hard it is for him to talk about his father, but I also think it's important for him to let it all out at some point, and he knows it.

I'm thankful for him, for his presence and for being a shoulder I can rely on. I can't believe I'm actually lucky enough to call him my boyfriend. Everything happened so fast, and sometimes I get scared when I think about it. What if we rushed things, after all?

But everytime I get scared, there's this little voice inside my head which reminds me how natural this feels, and most importantly, how perfectly right this feels.

I closed my diary and placed it on my lap while I looked at the beautiful cloudless californian sky outside. It seemed like it had been ages since I took the time to seat by the window and appreciate the beauty of nature for a few minutes.

I sighed heavily, as I tried to empty my mind and forget my previous thoughts. I was looking forward to go back to the hospital and work again. It had been twenty days since I didn't see the kids, and I missed them beyond words.

Today was my first check-up at UCLA, so I knew I would be able to go check up on them before I had to go to my appointment. Since Dr. Sanchez didn't know any doctors from the LA county, I was the one in charge to choose a new doctor to follow my recovery. I chose Alice's boss, Dr. Spencer, the head of the orthopedics service, he was the best orthopedic surgeon I knew.