Sharkboy's POV
Max, Linus, and I all sprint off our luxurious Spirit Airlines flight in sheer eagerness to meet Jesus. We hotwire yet another motorcycle and drive straight onto the highway. Even though Shrek didn't give us an exact address, I feel like I know exactly where to go. We torpedo into an abandoned Bagged Milk factory nearby, which should technically break all our bones, but we're way too badass for any of that. We all get off the motorcycle and start searching for our lord and savior.
"Hello?! Jesus? The 4th-grade church camp lady and Shrek said to find you!" I yell.
"Dude, that's not exactly going to make him trust us. We all know that camp counselor wasn't a primary source of info!" says Linus.
"Shut up Linus," says Max punching him in the shoulder, "We have Shrek on our side. We should be fine."
Ugh. These two. Can they just go back to when they eye-fucked from across the room?
"We'd really appreciate it if you could help us find our friend mighty Jesus! We've been through a hell of a lot and have no idea what is going on in our lives," says Max yelling at the ceiling.
Suddenly, a yellow spotlight appears in front of the three of us, and a figure steps into it. Oh my lord(haha). It-it-it's Jesus!
"You called my shirtless child?" says Jesus in a wise tone and manner.
"JESUS CHRIST!" yells Linus.
"Excuse me? I don't really appreciate it when people say my name like that. I mean, at least throw some glitter into the air while doing it. God, some people just have no respect these days," says Jesus sassily while giving us a look of pure disappointment. It reminds me of the one my father gave me when I said I wanted to be a Kardashian when I grew up.
"So so sorry Jesus. I do apologize for the behavior of my friend," I nudge Linus with my elbow.
"Sorry Jesus," he mumbles.
"You are forgiven. Now, what brings you to see me? Are you one of those people who claim that the easter bunny is a more important religious figure than moi? Is that what this is?"
"Not at all! We come here seeking knowledge about the whereabouts of our friend Lavagirl. She has been kidnapped and we have to find her. We need your divine powers to see where she is and who took her," I say pleadingly.
"And what makes you think you are worthy?" says Jesus skeptically.
"I honestly don't know, but if there is any way to prove that we are then, by all means, show us!"
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Very well. I shall give one of you a test. A test of iron will and strength beyond all measures of reality," he says.
"I volunteer! I'm totally ready for this!" I start doing pushups on the floor to demonstrate my immense strength.
"Sorry hon, but not you. For this test requires the most sarcastic, and negative of any of you. Someone that hates the existence of earth and all its puny humans, and especially their exes. Some like, you!" Jesus says pointing at Max.
"Goddammit," pouts Max, "What the hell kind of test will it be anyway?"
"Child, you're going to watch all 91 minutes of The Emoji Movie."
"Son of a muffin man."
YOU ARE READING
Love Bites
FanfictionSharkboy only wants his friends to be happy, and when Linus and Max break up after 12 years of blissful marriage, he has to fix it. When Lavagirl mysteriously disappears, he decides that bringing the two of them on this crazy adventure is the best k...
