Love Bites

A Test of Iron Will

Max's POV

This...this is the story of how I die. I mean, what a way to go right? Being forced to watch the Emoji Movie by Jesus is at least a bit interesting. Hahahahaha....this is the end for me. 

"Max, are you ready to face your test? Are you sure you will be able to handle it?! HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM?????" says Jesus while sassily crossing his arms.

"OK OK, I'll do it," I say as I pace back and forth before the small couch where I will be enduring the most painful torture of my entire existence for the next 91 minutes. I sit down and prepare for my demise. 

"Relax Max, remember, you're doing this to help rescue Lavagirl remember?" says Linus with a pitiful expression plastered onto his face. I don't need your pity, Linus. 

"Yeah! I mean, how hard can it be right?!" says Sharkboy with the disgustingly happy smile on his face as he slaps me on the back. I don't get it. How can people be so positive in this cruel, hellish world where things like the Emoji Movie exist? 

"Yeah, totally. How hard can it be?" I say in the most sarcastic voice I can manage. I turn to my head to Jesus, "So, are there like rules? Or other ways that you can make this more painful for me?"

"Hmmmmmmmmm, well, I was just going to make you watch the movie but, since you asked, let's make this a bit more fun for me. Let's see here...how could I make this more painful?"

He starts to look around the room for something to amplify my torture and makes a beeline for Sharkboy. He stares intensely into his eyes, but Sharkboy only seems to smile. 

"AHAH! I've got it!" Jesus pumps his fists into the air and turns back to me, "Max, sweetie. You have to smile the entire time while watching this. No frowny faces or you're out!"

I look at Sharkboy, "Hey, you know it's never too late to start looking for replacements for Lavagirl. You know, my dream journal has plenty of other shitty ideas packed in there," I say. 

Sharkboy gives me a cold stare and rubs a finger slowly along his neck. Ok, Emoji Movie torture it is then! I look at Jesus and smile. He smiles back and pulls out a VHS tape copy of the Emoji Movie. He pops it into the player, and my trial begins. 

***

So, I'm 5 minutes into this flaming piece of garbage and I don't know how much longer I can hold this stupid ass smile. All I can think about is how the entire human race will be extinct within 2 weeks because of this film. I can't do it, but then I remember, I'm doing this for Lavagirl. She was the Best Man at my wedding and my Best Man in everyday life. She helped me with my groceries, with my money, with my one man show about Charles the Rude Starbucks Barista. No matter what, she's always been there for me, and that's enough to help make me smile.

***

But....maybe not enough, because now I'm 1 hour in and my face feels like what happened to Linus's after I caught him cheating on me. Sweet Jesus, why.

***

This is it. It's the final countdown because I've got 1 minute left of credits. This entire movie has been nothing but dumb jokes about teenagers and adverts for apps, and it's been SO HARD to not stop smiling. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm so going to lose it. Then suddenly, before I know it, the VHS tape pops out, and the TV screen goes black. It...it...it's over!

"HOLY FUCKING YES!!!" I scream while I flip the rainbow coffee table in front of me, "I HATE LIFE AND ALL ITS MEANING!!!!!!! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!"

All of my pure embodied rage comes out in that moment, and I trash everything in the room. Sharkboy just looks on in utter disbelief, while Linus looks as if he's trying to suppress a smile. Not on my watch he isn't. I go over to him and bitch slap his ass. He winces.

"YES! FEEL MY PAIN!" I scream.

"Oh my chicken tacos, calm down my child. We get it, you were able to pass the impossible. You survived a test of iron will. Now, you shall be rewarded," says Jesus with an expression that makes it seem like he fears for his life. 

"YOU DAMN RIGHT WILL REWARD ME!"

"Max, just chill dude, chill," says Linus. 

"Relax, do you want me to sing my dream lullaby again?" says Sharkboy excitedly.

"Ok, nope, stop. Please do not. I'm am fine, I am totally 100% chill," I say in my most convincing chill voice, "Soooo...Jesus. Where the fuck is Lavagirl?"

"Your dear friend Lavagirl lies in a land where only the bravest have dared venture. Those, like the mighty Shrek. She lies where Trump once was President, she lies, in the LAND OF PAIN!"

"The Land of Pain!" Sharboy, Linus, and I all shout out.

"Indeed, and you will be needing another ride to travel there. As stolen motorcycles can only go so far."

"Believe us, we know," I say while giving a nervous glance to Sharkboy.

Jesus nods, and suddenly we are teleported outside of the abandoned bagged milk factory. Jesus raises his arms above his head, and a divine light appears before us. I hear a mighty roar, and then before I know it, a giant rainbow dragon lands in front of us. The dragon is covered head to toe in armor, and head to toe in rainbow glitter.

"This is the mighty Gaydon named Beyonce. They once died in a mighty battle at the Land of Pain and has been resurrected to bring you three there for yet another. As you can see, I've made some adjustments," says Jesus.

Beyonce roars and kneels down, allowing Sharboy, Linus, and I to climb atop their back. 

"Thank you for everything Jesus, we can't thank you enough," says Sharkboy.

"I can," I mutter under my breath. 

"Hey, what'll you do with that VHS copy of the Emoji Movie?" asks Linus

"Burn it, it's for the best," Jesus replies

We all nod in agreement. Jesus nods back, and Beyonce soars into the skies above.