Love Bites

This Has Dragged On Long Enough

Sharkboy's POV

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Ivanka screams as she is pounded with water from Linus, Max, and I's hit. Explosions randomly go off in the background as the chaos ensues, creating an image of pure violence and death, but without the death. Ivanka tumbles to the ground, not making a sound, but I can still tell she's breathing. Aw man, I kind of hoped that would end her. Guess you can't always get everything you want in life. 

I leap off of Beyonce and land in front of where Ivanka lies. Lavagirl restrains her again to prevent her from trying anything, and I walk closer towards Ivanka's weird giant human head. I give her another splash of water to wake her ass back up. 

"WH-wha?" she groans as she starts rubbing her head, wincing at the pain. Linus and Max also join me on the ground, where Linus then promptly rushes towards Ivanka and kicks her directly in the face. 

"HA! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT ASKING FOR CONSENT YOU EVIL WITCH!" he demonically screams. Oh sweet lord, what have Max and I done to him?

"Ouchie. That hurt my headie," Ivanka says as she continues to whine, "Ugh, I'm going to change back. Being a dinosaur is so overrated." 

Ivanka waves her hand in the air, but nothing happens. She looks confused as she continues to do so, but to no avail. A large flash of glittery lighting appears in front of her, where Jesus is suddenly left standing. He then begins to speak his words of wisdom as he leans down to her eye level. 

"Oh, sweet, sweet rich trust fund Ivanka. Didn't you know that demon deals never work out exactly as planned? Boo, I'm sorry but you can't change back. You are stuck as with that ugly ass body of yours, and also a dinosaur body. Haha, I love satan, he so funny. I gotta give him a call sometime so we can get together and drink tea."

"UGHHHHHHH!!! Stupid demon deals and their annoying ass catches," Ivanka complains. 

"Wait. So you're saying that Ivanka is permanently stuck as...whatever that is?" Max asks with a somehow both disgusted, and approving expression. 

"LOL! Yeah, she is. I don't know about you but this shit is crazy. I've got to go, but beating this bitch up with ya'll has been great. I need to take care of Ivanka's fans and make sure that they all re-enroll in school before I let them go. Make sure to give me a holler when these two get remarried," Jesus says as he gestures towards Max and Linus. 

"Um, how can you know for sure that will happen?" asks Max.

"Bitch I am the LORD. You listen to me now, it gonna happen," Jesus responds before he snaps, does a weird shimmy hip dance, and suddenly both he and all of Ivanka's fans disappear in bright, almost blind enducing flash.  

Max, Linus, Lavagirl and I all just kind of look at each other, then back at Ivanka, and just burst out laughing. 

"I-I can't believe that this girl is going to have to live the rest of her life like that. I don't like body shaming but FOR REAL?" Lavagirls screams as she continues to howl with laughter. 

"I know right?!" Linus laughs before Lavagirl gives him a punch in the shoulder and a weird side hug. 

"WHYYYYYYYYY????? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY???????" Ivanka cries as she sobs about her new condition.

"Let me handle this for a sec," Lavagirl says as she calmy strides towards a weeping Ivanka, "Calm the fuck down!" she says as she punches Ivanka's giant face, instantly knocking her out. 

"Huh, that was strangely satisfying to watch," Linus says as he nods his head with approval. 

"She deserved it. Lavagirl had every right to punch her kidnapper," I respond. 

I look over and see both Shrek and Barry hop onto Beyonce, and then use Shrek's rainbow ropes to wrap Ivanka up in them. Beyonce then hoists her into the air, flapping her wings frantically as she tries to balance out Ivanka's large weight.

"We better get a move on if we want hand Ivanka over to the authorities before she wakes up and tries to fight back," Shrek yells down at us. 

"And it's already hard enough for Beyonce to try and to pull Ivanka up with her! You guys would probably weigh us down more!" Barry replies after him. 

"That's totally fine! We don't want to make Beyonce suffer on the trip back home! But um, how are we going to get out of here without her? The Land of Pain isn't exactly the easiest of locations to get to!" I yell back up at them. 

"Don't worry! We called a friend to come and pick you up! Oh shit, looks like he's already here. That was fast!" says Shrek as he points towards a large rainbow truck coming our way, "Bye guys! Hope to see you again soon!"

We all wave goodbye as we watch Beyonce flap away into the sunset, with Ivanka being dragged under her. I turn my head towards our mysterious ride before I see it barrelling towards us. I'm just about ready to accept my death before the truck abruptly stops in front of us. The door is kicked open by a leg wearing a majestic looking rainbow heel. The person to whom it belongs steps out to reveal...

"WHATS UP BABES!? Who's ready to have their own mini pride parade on the way back home!?" the brilliant John Barrowman screams as he launches a confetti cannon into the air.  

"OH HELL YEAH!" Max and Linus both scream as they both rush towards the truck, almost tripping over and falling on their faces in the process, and climb into the back. 

Lavagirl looks over at me and smirks. She gives a firm pat on the back before proclaiming, 

"I ride shotgun big boi. So have fun being in a Max and Linus sandwich in the back."

"Eh, after all of this, I'm pretty much used to it," I respond with my signature smooth smile. 

She laughs and then sprints towards the truck, and hurls herself into the front seat. After a few moments of taking in my surroundings, I run towards the truck and let myself into the backseat. 

"Everyone comfortable? Ok good. Now before we go, I should probably let ya'll know that I cut out all of the seatbelts cause they were getting in the way of my rainbow kool-aid minibar, but it's fine! Anything is legal when you're the king of Gayland!" John Barrowman proudly proclaims. 

"I'm not so sure about that..." Linus mutters under his breath. 

"I think we're all used to not having any safety measures after whatever the hell this trip even was. Now, how do you expect to get all back home in time so we can all help Lavagirl look for her cat?" I ask him.

"Wellllllllllllll.........BY NOT OBEYING THE TRAFFIC LAWS OF COURSE! HONK HONK BITCHES!" he yells before slamming on the acceleration and zooming the car forward at top speed. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Now, this is going to be quite the ride home. But then again, whoever said couple's therapy was going to be easy?