Love Bites

Impromptu Couple's Therapy: Part 3

Linus's POV

"BITTTTTTCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" yelled Ivanka from the depths of the rave crowd."

"Jesus Christ, how much Kool-Aid have you drunk? It's really not that healthy," I responded. 

"GURL, I drank this bitch Kool-Aid since I was smalllllllll..."

"That's...concerning."

Truly it was. Ivanka and I had quite the adventure that night. I mean, I knew she was pretty drunk, guessing from her choice of vocabulary and all. Once the rave ended, I attempted to take her home, it didn't go so well.

"THIS BITCH IS FIIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE," she said when grabbing the wheel of my Prius. 

"Jesus Christ, what are you doing."

"Imma drive us bitches back to ya house."

"What. No."

"Ok Siri, show me the directions to this bitch's house."

Long story short, we drove the entire way back to Max's and I's house pretty chaotically. It took us exactly thirty seconds to get to my house at the speed we were going at. It was...an experience. SO, eventually, we ended up crashing into my backyard, and my Prius was pretty much destroyed at this point.

"Oh, sweet baby Jesus. MAX IS GOING TO KILL ME!"

"That bitch don't know half of what I know about you, babe."

"Um, yeah he does. He's my husband. At least I think so, our marriage wasn't exactly legal. Our pastor was just some weird dude dressed in short short-ohmygod it was John Barrowman. Sweet Jesus, that's why we were invited. Huh, guess I shouldn't have drunk so much kool-aid that day. I mean, Max kinda pressured me into it so, whatever it doesn't really matter..."

"Honey, it sounds like this Max dude is like, totally the dom in this ship. I mean, bitch please, you should have equal power in this relationship. Cause that is loooooovvvvveeee for ya."

"That made, little to no sense at all."

"Bitch, you even listen? Hm, well I have something to confess. I LOVE YOU!"

"Imsorrywhat?"

"I think you and I are meant to be together! It's a sign! We crashed into a backyard, went to a rave together, and so much more stuff boi. I don't know about you but, you're pretty much my bitch now."

Then, in one swift motion. She was naked. Wow, I mean. Dude. Like, consent, please? Cause I did not need to see that. At all. Then, she pretty much shoved me into Max and I's room, and freaking kissed me. 

Max's POV

"And that's where it all began," I say, dazed and confused. 

"Yeah, that's when you came home and saw it all. I'm so so so sorry. I shouldn't have let her use my phone for Siri. I completely understand why you hate me so much," Linus said before putting his head in his hands."

Linus may have just confessed his deepest darkest emo secrets to me, but that doesn't exactly erase the many mistakes and bad events of the past. I mean, the dude stole my dream journal. I don't want to hate him, but also, I don't feel like re-kindling the relationship anytime soon.

"Linus...I...am mad. I really am, but, I understand that you didn't mean any harm that night. I mean, you probably shouldn't  have even talked to Ivanka in the first place if you knew she was drunk, but, I see that you didn't mean any for any of this to happen," I say like the wise Buddhist monk I am.  

"So you forgive me? Does this mean we can get back together?"

"Oh hell no. Oh, I mean, I think it's actually for the best that we take a break. I think now, I see that we have some issues in our relationship, that need to be resolved before we get back together. So? What do you say?" I ask while holding out my hand.

I see Sharkboy smile with pride and rejoice, and Linus looks as if he is ready to scream. He takes my hand and begins to speak these wise words:

"SURE. I mean, um, sure. Why the fuck not!"

Wow. Pure poetry. Of course, I'm joking however, I'm not an idiot. I'm still the negative sarcastic asshole that I'll always be, and Linus and I can work on that. 

"Hey guys," says Sharkboy, promptly ruining the mood, "I think we're here."

"Huh? What do you mean?" asks Linus.

"I mean, we're here. We're in the Land of Pain."

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.