Love Bites

Being Kidnapped Still Sucks

Lavagirl's POV

I open my eyes and they are immediately greeted with harsh, bright lights on my face. 

"Ugh," I groan, "Please say I'm not back on stage helping Max with his one man show?"

I try to sit up but cannot, as my arms and legs are restrained by something. I look down to my wrists and see my favorite pair of fuzzy handcuffs latched onto them. Goddammit, the one time I actually don't want to be restrained...

"Wakey, wakey, eggs, and bakey," says a condescending voice in the background.

"Well fuck, is this another surprise orgy Sharkboy?! Cause I'm really not in the mood!" I yell.

"I'm sorry a supri-wait never mind, Jesus. Focus Ivanka!"

Wait? Ivanka? As in Ivanka Trump?!  The Ivanka Trump?! That super slut who Linus cheated on Max with?! Turns out my theory is right as the mysterious voice comes closer and looks me straight in the face. It is Ivanka, and she looks PISSED. 

"Hmph, you shouldn't be this responsive. Not after all the Pixy Stix I fed into your system," she says annoyed. 

"Pixy Stix? What the hell man? That's like the most hardcore drug out there, what were you trying to do? Poison me?"

"Pretty much, yeah," she shrugs.

"Well,  HA! My immune system is ten times stronger than any other human, cause it's made of pure lava from the depths of the mightiest volcanos," I say smugly.

"Still fucked you up pretty hard though. Your lava powers are pretty much useless now."

"Whatevs, wouldn't be the first time I've had Pixy Stix. Say, where am I? And what the hell am I even doing here?" I ask.

"You're in the Land of Pain, you know, where my dad USED to be president. Before that green swamp thing took it from him. Now, we have nothing, NOTHING I tell you!"

"Dude, like, chill. That was forever ago, and you're still salty about it?"

"You bet your pretty little ass I am, but that's not why we're here today. We're here for a much different reason. Say, how's my love Linus doing?"

"Linus?! Why should you care?! You were only a one night stand to him or something. I don't really know the details," I add.

"Ugh, it was more than just that! For your information! Linus and I are in LOVE! You hear me?! L.O.V.E., "she says as she proceeds to spell out love for me as if I never got my 4th-grade diploma.

"Dude, I know Linus. He freaking loves his now ex-husband Max, and the only way he would ever want to be with you is if he were hella drunk. Which doesn't really surprise me, he really loves Kool-Aid."

"LIAR!" she yells at the top of her lungs. It looks as if her eyes are bulging out, and she's got this crazed look on her face. 

"Ok Ivanka, I see that you've kidnapped me, and you've probably haven't slept in days. So, how about you just let me go, and you can take a nice catnap. Hey, speaking of cats. Where the hell is Mr. Oceanass?!"

"Oh don't worry he's fine. Only a true monster would kill a cat, and no. I won't let you go because you are the only way that I can be able to see my love again," she says as she stares intensely into my eyes.

"How does kidnapping me help get you to see Linus again?"

"Oh you'll see, you'll see."