Beauty and the Sexy Beast

[12] Heart Strings and Road Maps

A broken home starts with a single event and then a domino effect comes into play. The event that changed my families entire life was the day I found my brother dead in his room.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, was my first thought when I found his lifeless body hanging from the beams in his room.

The very beams that were meant to support the house. To support our home, and yet they were the very things that broke it.

My parents weren’t the same after his death, and divorced soon after. Remember that domino effect I mentioned? Well that was just the tip of the iceberg.  

First it was his death, then the divorce, next it was my nightmares. Almost every night my brother haunted my dreams. It wasn’t enough that he tormented my very existence when he was alive.

They say that life has a way of working itself out for the better. Sometimes it took longer than one would hope for but it happened. But nothing seemed to be getting better for me. I was locked in my own head for eight hours every night and yet never seemed to get enough sleep.

It was the summer after we had graduated. His heart set on attending UCLA. He was willing to do anything to get out of NYC. Personally I never got it. I didn’t see the differences between LA and NYC. They both were hyped to such an extent. But all the same he didn’t get accepted. Being accepted into NYU was his breaking point.

He started getting panic attacks and would feel claustrophobic in the most open spaces. He felt so caged in that it was driving him insane. Of course, he never let us see him that way.  I being his twin sister could see the difference in him. He wasn’t being as playful as he used to be. He hated my boyfriend. He had lashed out on him when we talked about getting apartment together. He got worked up, saying that Josh was trying to tie me down, lock me up.

As much of a pain my brother had been, I just wanted him back the way he was. He was cold and distant but I never imagined that he would take his own life.

The day I decided I was going to get out of New York was the day we got the letter in the mail. The letter stating that UCLA had an opening for the fall semester. Turns out Cole had been on the waiting list.

***

Chloe.

Chloe.

Chloe.

I awoke to a voice calling my name. Opening my eyes was the hardest thing to do. I knew that voice. I loved that voice. I was afraid of that voice.

I knew what I would see if I opened my eyes but I couldn’t help it. I was laying on the floor of my brothers floor. Above me hanging from the ceiling was my brother.