unspoken - phan

noises.

I looked into the mirror.

I was fat.

From my ugly face over my chubby belly to my fat thighs.

There was nothing beautiful about me.
And I knew it wasn't just me who saw it. I was sure nobody would ever think that I'm handsome.

"Fat, ugly and mute, that are a lot of reasons for killing yourself"

I grabbed my hair iron and straightened my curly hobbit hair, 'til the natural mess became my usual emo fringe.

I had to sit down because I felt dizzy.
I was literally starving myself everyday, but nothing happened. I skipped breakfast, lunch and dinner since months, but it didn't work. I blamed it on the apples or cereal bars I ate when I felt too weak. I blamed it on my binge eating that I couldn't stop sometimes.
I was a disappointment. A failure.
My whole life was a mess and I couldn't even control my eating habits.

I stumbled downstairs and grabbed my bag. Alex was at my grandparents, my mum was already off to work and my dad was on a "business trip" but I doubt it. I knew he was cheating on my mum and I would have told her, but she was obviously too. Why didn't they just get a divorce? Either they fight or they're with their new lovers.

Love's just bullshit.

Why would you do something that can literally break your heart?

>•<

I walked through the building unsure if math was my first lesson or PE. But then I saw the black haired boy, didn't remember his name, who walked straight to the sports hall. I followed him inconspicuously, but he saw me. He stopped and held the door open. I speeded up, so he didn't have to wait too long for me. I felt so uncomfortable, but he just smiled at me. I nodded as a "thanks" and he understood. "How are you? What a coincidence that we have PE together!" He said with a huge smile on his rosy lips.
I didn't know how to answer. A nod for yes what a coincidence or thumbs up for fine.
I just remained silent, as awkward as it anyways was.

We walked into the changing room and no one noticed me. No one lifted their head at the sighting of a fat, ugly weirdo, as people normally did. I still didn't know what to think about that.
I just left my bag on the floor and walked downstairs into the hall. Sitting down on the bench, staring at the rubber floor, while my classmates got changed.

PE was the one subject I always avoided. It should be english or others including more speaking, but I just felt uncomfortable getting watched during my attempt to catch a ball.
They played tennis or something, I wasn't really interested. I never was. But it reminded me of a PE lesson ages ago.

I usually missed it at my old school, but that one day I had to take part. We were playing tennis too and I stood awkwardly in the middle of the field. Already anxious as usual.
"Come on fag, is it so hard to hit the fucking ball?"
Normally no one would have teamed with me, but in that lesson we got marks and put in groups.
I was so stressed and I think I hyperventilated. There were these voices in my head, yelling what a failure I was and at the same time there were my classmates, yelling my thoughts out loud. In the end I teared up, ran out the hall and sat an hour alone under a tree, wishing I was dead.

I sunk into my thoughts - full of words since my mouth didn't let them out - that I didn't notice someone talking to me. "Hey!" He probably said for the second time and I finally looked up. A brown haired boy with brown curls and clear, light blue eyes sat next to me. "Why aren't you taking part?" I shakily grabbed my notebook, unsure if it was a good idea.

'didn't know we had sports'

He looked confused at my unreadable writing, then he seemed to realize. "Oh you're the new, mute one" He sounded kind of amused which made me feel quite anxious. I nodded. How could he have known? Did the teacher told them? Did Phil?
"Since birth right?" No. I nodded, feeling my lungs slowly filling with water. "I couldn't live like that!" His laugh echoed in my ears.
I couldn't either. "Okay be honest; you're talking when you're alone right?" I shook my head, feeling my heart beating against my rib cage . He wasn't offensive but I felt attacked. "Woah! Not one single word since ever?" He was clearly not a bully, but I just heard him chuckle. I just heard him laugh at me and it scared me to death. "Have you ever tried to speak?" He didn't stop and my anxiety neither.

Everything kept growing, everything kept getting louder.
I heard the ball hitting the rubber floor. I heard the exhausted gasps of my classmates.
I heard every single step.
I heard every single heart beating.
"Oh, are you alright?"
I closed my eyes but in the darkness were even more noises clawing at me.
I wanted to escape, but there was no exit. I covered my ears but it got louder and louder.

Until it all shut up.